John Lindsey

Professor Tabor

ENGL 4510

Categories: Funny Short Stories; Fiction

12 September 2006     

An Axemaster, a Midget, and a Pony

            Axemaster the Fierce    awoke in the morning to the loud snoring of a woman in his bed.  Axemaster was terrified by this and let out a horrified scream which awoke the woman who immediately started screaming too.  Axemaster, who happened to sleep naked (and dance naked, and go to religious ceremonies, funerals, sports events, and petting zoos naked), fell out of the bed and stared at the woman wide eyed.

            “Who are you?!” Axemaster wailed.

            The woman, settling down now that she realized there was no peril, said, “I’m Babbette, your wife of two years you moron…”

            Axemaster stared at her in disbelief for a moment and then said, “Oh… yeah.  I do have a wife, don’t I?”

            “Yes you do” she replied, “But you sure don’t act like it…  When was the last time you did anything for me?  For anyone for that matter?”

            “Didn’t I bring you food once or something?”

            “No…  You cooked yourself a chicken and then threw the bones at me…”

            “Oh, well wasn’t that enough?”

            “Of course not Axemaster, I want diamonds, and a pony!  I would have left you so long ago if my rich father wouldn’t disown me for it.  Apparently he thinks you are some kind of ‘great warrior’ and will win fame in battle for the family… “

            “I am a great warrior, just observe the giant battle axe I have hanging up in the house!”

            “A large axe does not make a great warrior.  I think you’re just trying to overcompensate for that,” said Babbette while pointing at Axemaster’s diminutive wee wee.

            “No, you’re hurting my feelings, my feelings!” said Axemaster as he nearly broke into tears.

            “And you hurt my feelings every day when you wake up and scream ‘who are you?!’” said Babbette, “You don’t think about other people…  All you care about are your stupid bunnies!”

            “My bunnies! I haven’t visited them yet today!” shouted Axemaster (still forgetting to clothe himself) as he sprinted out the door and ran straight to his large rabbit pen that seven rabbits were currently and futilely trying to jump out of.  

            “My precious precious bunnies!  Daddy’s here again to pet and feed you.”

            Axemaster’s seven pet rabbits all vainly tried to flee from his grasp as he reached into the pen.  One unlucky rabbit wasn’t fast enough and was picked up.   

            “Lady Fluffykins!” said the excited Axemaster as he spun the bunny around and around in circles.  Soon, Axemaster broke into song.

            Oh how I love my fluffy fluffy bunny

            She likes to dance, sing, and play in the sunny

            Oh bunny, oh bunny bunny bunny

            I wouldn’t trade you for no amount of money

Babbette, who had recently stormed out of the house in her rage, gawked in disbelief at her husband who still managed to shock her with his oddity time and time again, even after two years of experiencing it.

            Eventually she regained her senses and shouted, “Put the rabbit down and talk to me!”

            Wondering who was talking to him, Axemaster placed Lady Fluffykins (who ran headfirst into the other side of the pen in her dizziness and confusion) back from whence she came and then turned around.

            “Who are you?” he asked pleasantly.

            “Oh, just your wife!  And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m really going to leave you; whether or not my father likes it.  Actually, if I don’t have both a pony and a diamond by tomorrow night, I’m leaving you for the handsome and gallant midget Georgio who lives next door.  He’s been flirting with me for years.”

            Wanting this woman to go away so that he could be alone with his rabbits, Axemaster agreed to carry out this request.

            “Good…” she said, “I’m going back inside to write a sonnet about Georgio, my forbidden love.”

            “Bye bye,” Axemaster said as he turned back to his furry friends.  It was then that he realized the rabbits were out of food.  He looked around for something to feed the rabbits with, but failed miserably (as he does in most ventures).

            “I guess I could just feed my wife to you,” he remarked but then remembered that rabbits don’t eat meat.  That was something learned a long time ago when he tried to feed them an entire moose.  The moose rotted for days before Axemaster took the hint and replaced the moose with scrumptious carrots. 

            “I shall bring you the finest carrots in all the land!” said Axemaster, completely forgetting about the diamond and pony he’d promised his wife.

            Axemaster ran inside his house, grabbed his axe and pennywhistle (he never traveled anywhere without the two), and then sprinted back out towards the nearby forest.

            “You forgot to get dressed!” his wife shouted after him.

            “All I need are my axe, my whistle, and my brawn!” he yelled without turning around or slowing down. 

            And so, Axemaster left his peaceful village of Worchestervilleshireburg City (known far and wide for having the best ale in all the land) and entered the perilous Forest of Friendliness, unaware that his happy village was on the brink of an invasion by the ale loving Violent Bob and his dreaded army, The Amiable Assassins.

            Heedless of this, Axemaster skipped merely through the forest, the outskirts of which were still a happy place full of wildlife and beautiful flowers.  He loped along, hewing down saplings whenever they got in his way, and was soon pleasantly surprised to see a majestic songbird land on a nearby shrubbery.

            Axemaster smiled gleefully, dropped his axe, and then brought his penny whistle to his lips in order to serenade the beautiful birdie.  The bird chirped a few times, and Axemaster responded with a few notes.  The bird chirped more and hopped closer to Axemaster who played more and also stepped towards the bird.  This went on until Axemaster and the bird’s faces were nearly touching.

            Suddenly, the bird sprang forward and pecked Axemaster in the eye.  Axemaster yelped in pain and dropped his precious pennywhistle to the ground.  The bird quickly swooped down, gripping the whistle in its talons, and then flew to its nest in a nearby tree. 

            Axemaster rubbed his eye until the pain started to subside, and then looked around for the bird and whistle.  He felt very naked (and was) without his whistle, and so he tied a leaf around his dangler with a few pieces of grass and then continued looking for his whistle.

            He gazed up into the trees and saw a relatively small one with a bird’s nest in it.  He picked up his axe from the ground and started violently chopping at the tree as the songbird flew down and began pecking Axemaster here and there.  Although Axemaster’s pain was great, he finished chopping down the tree, grabbed his whistle from a pile of other travelers’ instruments the bird had accrued over the years, and then sprinted deeper into the forest.  The bird flew after him, trying to peck Axemaster’s pecker off, when suddenly an arrow whistled through the air and nearly skewered the bird.  Sensing its peril, the bird flew back to its fallen nest where it grudgingly began to pick up the pieces of its broken life and nest rebuild anew in another tree.

            Axemaster looked around in confusion and his eyes fell upon the most beautiful human being he had ever seen, an elderly woman holding a bow and clad in tropical plant leaves. 

            “You look as pretty as a maple!” Axemaster exclaimed, “Your hair looks like roots, and your skin looks like tree bark.  May I drink the sweet sap from your crusty old nostrils?” 

            “You… need to get away from me,” replied the ancient relic from times long forgotten, “It is comments like that that made me shun human society so long ago and live here amongst the animals and nature!”

            “But, I too want to live amidst the animals and trees and… and… bumble bees!” wailed Axemaster.

            “And to think, I saved you from the bird that was trying to slay you, just so you could mock and ridicule me like all the other people I’ve known,” said the old woman as she began to turn away.

            “That bird wasn’t trying to slay me; he was just giving me friendly kisses with his beak.  And also, I do not mean for my words to hurt you.  It is just that I’m so used to singing praises to my pet bunnies, that good compliments fail me when it comes to tree people,” said the enamored Axemaster.

            “Oh… So you were trying to be… nice?” asked the old lady.

            “Of course.”

            “And… you have pet bunnies?”

            “I have seven lovely bunnies,” replied Axemaster, “I actually originally had ten, but three of them were crushed by the dead moose I threw in the bunnies’ pen to feed them with.”

            “Oh no my lad!  Bunnies only eat plants and children, not moose! Or that’s what people tell me...”

            “I know that now, which is actually why I journeyed into this forest.  I needed to find some carrots or something to feed the bunnies with,” said Axemaster.

            “Then you’re in luck my dear, for I have a huge stash of carrots and children in the hollow log I live in!  I’ll go get them really quickly, I’ll be right back.”

            “Actually, just bring the carrots; children are too heavy for me to carry along with my axe and pennywhistle.”

            “Ok!” said the old woman as she ran a few paces away to her hollow log house and quickly procured a basket of carrots from its depths and brought it to Axemaster.

            “Thank you!  You should come with me to see and feed my bunnies!”

            “You haven’t even told me your name yet…”

            “I am Axemaster the Fierce defender of doggies, liberator of lemurs, friend of ferrets, and much much more!”

            “I… never had a name,” said the wizened old lady, “The townsfolk always used to call me ‘weirdo’ and ‘nuisance’ and… ‘hippy.’”

            “Then,” proclaimed Axemaster, “I shall call you… Weirdonuisancehippy or Weancy for short!”

                “At long last I have a real name!” shouted Weancy, “And yet still, I don’t think I’m ready to venture back into town.  Not ready to hear the insults, not ready to feel the sting of boulders shot at me by catapults, not ready for picnics in the park!”

            “Weancy…” said Axemaster, “You were born ready.”

Weancy’s aged eyes lit up with hope and confidence, and she said, “Let’s feed those rabbits.”

            Axemaster and his gal skipped joyfully hand in hand towards the village of Worchestervilleshireburg City, ready to feed everyone’s favorite bunnies, but there was something wrong.

            “Do you smell smoke, my little honey bunches of oats you?” asked Weancy sweetly.

            “Maybe someone is making sacrifices to pagan gods again back the village?” suggested Axemaster.

            “Mayhap you are right, but let’s walk on.”

            They walked a bit further, and the smoke smell grew stronger and stronger.  They both began to run, and then they came to the edge of the forest and saw a sight that neither expected to see.  The entire village was up in flames.

            “The bunnies!” shouted Axemaster as he ran as fast as he could, dropping both his axe and whistle to give him more speed.  Weancy pattered along after him with the basket of carrots, but was almost nearly as worried.  When she caught up to Axemaster the Fierce, she found him crouching over a rabbit pen bawling his fierce little eyes out.

            “Gone Weancy, they’re all gone, my… bunnies,” Axemaster continued sobbing until even Weancy was a bit wierded out, and then suddenly there was a voice from within a nearby barrel that had managed to escape the flames.

            “Is that you Axemaster?!  It’s me, your neighbor Georgio!”

            Axemaster turned briefly from the rabbit pen as his midget neighbor emerged from within the confines of the barrel arms stretched wide as if to say, “tada!”

            “Hey Axy!” said Georgio, “Is that your great grandma there with you.”

            “No I’m his ‘lady friend’ Weancy, and he is my ‘boy toy,” replied Weancy.

            Georgio began to vomit in the grass, and then Axemaster said, “The bunnies… Where are they!?  Lady Fluffykins, Sir Hoppybottom, Count Rabula, and all the rest?”

             Georgio looked up at Axemaster and then said, “It was terrible what happened, well not quite as terrible as that line that elder just said, but still horrendous indeed.”

            “Go on go on!” Axemaster shouted.

            “I am I am!” Georgio shouted back, “Like I was saying, it was atrocious--”

            “You said it was terrible” interrupted Weancy.

            “It was that and more…  The village lookouts saw a huge army on the horizon, and feared the worst… vampires!  They didn’t end up being vampires, but that didn’t stop the guards from loading their catapults with garlic, the same catapults they used to shoot at that Weirdo-nuisance-hippy lady who used to roam these parts I believe.”

            Weancy groaned with the painful memory, but Georgio went on, “The army got nearer and nearer, and our guards started shooting the catapults of garlic at them.  Unfortunately, the garlic wasn’t heavy enough to travel as far as the opposing army, and it fell harmlessly a few dozen yards in front of us.  That’s when the guards came up with their second plan, which was of course to pull up all up the village’s wooden fence posts and throw them at the supposed vampires in a well thought out attempt to pierce their very hearts.  The fence posts too fell short of their mark, and the guards began to cry and systematically wet and soil themselves.  You can both imagine their horror.”

            “Just… just get to the part about the bunnies, where are my bunnies!?” shouted the hysterical Axemaster. 

            “I’m getting there…” retorted Georgio, “Let this wordsmith yarn his yarn.  Anyway, quickening up the pace… The army got nearly to the village walls before one large armored figure at the front of their ranks yelled for them to stop walking.  He then said ‘people of the town of… Aleville or whatever you’re called, send out all of your ale and… lanterns in the next thirty seconds, or I will destroy you pathetic town with my most violent violence!’ he stopped speaking only to have his army shout in unison ‘listen to the words of Violent Bob!’

            The village was only able to get out all of its ale in that short thirty seconds, but only half of its many many lanterns.

            ‘My army, you Amiable Assassins you,’ spoke Violent Bob, ‘I command you to all pile up on each other in front of that wall and create a human staircase for me to walk up on so I can enter/destroy this town!’

            ‘Yes Violent Bob!’ the enemy soldiers screamed, ‘Violent Bob’s will is our will, and our grandma’s will, and our pet hamsters’ will…’ and this went on for some time until most of the village’s guards had fallen asleep; that’s when the army stormed the walls, and Violent Bob used them as a stairway to go up the wall and then down the other side.”

            Axemaster the Fierce was quite aggravated at this point and began to shake Georgio violently by the shoulders saying, “But what of the bunnies, the bunnies!?”

            “They’re gone; Violent Bob took most of the livestock during his raid.  No doubt to feed his army.  Your bunnies are probably in Violent Bob’s tum-tum-tummy!”

            “You lie!” shouted Axemaster.

            “This sounds like a load of hooey,” said Weancy, “You’re saying you really saw all of this happen.”

            “Yes, it is all true; I had been practicing a unicycle stilts act at between the windows of two tall buildings.  I had planned on unveiling the act at the next village fair but alas, this village probably will never see a fair or a midget riding across a tightrope on a unicycle again.”

            Axemaster redoubled his crying efforts, and then Weancy said, “But how did you survive while everyone else here seems to have been destroyed or taken?”

            “Well, after I saw that ominously violent figure Violent Bob scale the wall, I knew I must hide or run.  Unfortunately, this midget just can’t run very fast, and so I opted to hide in this barrel here.”

            “And they couldn’t see you, it’s kind of strange that this barrel alone survived the onslaught,” retorted Weancy, her old lady paranoia guiding her words.

            “I know a couple of Violent Bob’s soldiers had to have looked at the barrel, but I guess they could ‘barrely’ see me, hahah!” declared Georgio.

            Axemaster’s tears slowly began to subside, and rage quickly replaced his sadness.  “No body eats Lady Fluffykins and lives… I am Axemaster The Fierce! And I am going to kill… Bob.”

            “Wow, Axemaster, I would have thought you’d be more upset about your wife being gone than some rabbits--”

            Weancy and Axemaster spurted out “He has a wife?!” and “I have a wife?!” respectively, and then stared at each other.

            “Uh… yeah,” said Georgio, “While I was chillin’ in my ‘barrely’ legal barrel, hahah, no? …Anyone?  …Well, I heard Violent Bob himself tell one of his soldiers that he was going to take her hostage and get as much ransom money out of her rich father as possible.”

            “I can’t believe you never told me about your wife Axemaster!” shouted Weancy.

            “I always thought of myself as being kind of married to my bunnies…  Like when those people never marry and take on kitties or puppies as their, um… children,” said Axemaster.

            “Yes, but you actually are married!” said Weancy.

            “Yeah, well it’s news to me too Weancykins!”

            “Okay, well I suppose there is still a chance this shifty eyed midget is a liar…” replied Weancy.

            “Shifty eyed?!” said Georgio, “My eyes are perfectly fine; you’re the one whose eyes are hurting.  What do you have like glaucoma, cataracts, and pinkeye combined?”

            “…Yes,” replied Weancy.

            “Oh,” was all the abashed Georgio could say.

            “Enough,” the still furious Axemaster said, “I am going to go destroy the man who took and ate my bunnies, and then I’ll make him be food for the bunnies!”

            “Bunnies don’t eat meat, remember Axemaster?” said Weancy.

            “You said they eat children though? They’re meat.”

            “What I meant to say back then was that I eat children,” Waency replied.

            “Oh okay, well, Violent Bob will be food for the children then!”

            “I’m going after him too,” said Georgio, “I can’t stand to have Babbette all locked up like that.”

            “Who is Babbette?” said Axemaster.

            “Your… Well it doesn’t seem to matter to you, so I’ll rescue her while you go on your little ‘vengeance attack,’” said Goergio.

            “I’m going along too then…” said Weancy, “I have to find out if you really do have a wife Axemaster.  Please don’t break my cold metallic pacemaker heart…”

            “Alright then, let’s go!” said Axemaster, “Does anyone know where this Violent Bob Guy’s base is?”

            “I’m pretty sure it’s at the same place it’s always been…  Up there on Hipster Hill, overlooking the village,” said Georgio.

            “Eh?” replied Axemaster.

            “You know… The fortress up on that hill, the place we have to drop off our ale tribute every season to keep Violent Bob from slaying us?  Come on man, the one that says Violent Bob’s Chill Pad in huge letters on its sign!” Georgio said this and then pointed towards the hill that was indeed overlooking town, and there was indeed a fortress there, and there was indeed a huge sign on it.

            “Oh!” said Axemaster, “I guess I’ve never really looked in the ‘up’ direction before…  Well except in that situation with the bird and the pennywhistle.”

            “Where is your pennywhistle anyway?” asked Weancy, “And your axe?”

            “Oh yeah, I left them not too far from here so that I could gain more amazing running speed.  But let’s go to go get them!”

            Axemaster and company walked the ten feet over to where the axe and whistle were, and Axemaster picked them both up.

            “Look!” shouted Georgio, “A pony is tied to that tree over there; it must have survived the uncanny violence of Violent Bob, let’s all ride it over to Violent Bob’s Chill Pad.”

            “Do you think that pony can really carry our combined weight?” asked Weancy.

            “Hmmm, maybe not,” said Georgio, “Perhaps we should just ride you to Violent Bob instead.”

            “No, no, the pony will do…” said Weancy.

            And so, the three courageous companions mounted their new pony and began their journey towards Violent Bob’s Chill Pad.  On their way up the hill’s path, they began to notice empty ale bottles discarded pretty much everywhere.

            “They must have started drinking the ale already, there will be none left for us by the time we get to the fortress…” said the dismayed Georgio.

            “Georgio,” said Weancy, “A drunken midget is probably one of the first things I want to see in this life, let’s quicken our pace”

            “Alright!” said Georgio as he whacked the poor pony on the head several times to speed it up.

            A short while later, the terrific trio made it to the top of the hill and to the entrance of Bob’s foreboding fortress.  They looked around for the guards that were assuredly there, and saw several passed out on the ground from, presumably, too much ale.

            They carefully snuck up to the large front door of the fortress, and pushed the door open, walking straight into the fortress.

            “Stay still!” whispered Axemaster sharply to his bosom buddies, “Look up ahead, are those… guard ducks?!”

            “I believe they are…  Axemaster, slaughter them all with your deadly deadly axe of woe!” suggested Georgio.

            “But all living creatures are my brethren!  I can’t kill the adorable little duckies!  Let me try to talk to them, see if they’ll help us,” said Axemaster as he walked further into the room and began quacking really loudly.

            The ducks looked at Axemaster, then at each other, and then they attacked with their vicious beaks and dangerous web footed kicks.  Axemaster screamed in ecstasy, but that didn’t stop Georgio and Weancy from attacking the ducks.  Most of the fell ducks were devoured by the hungry Weancy, but the remaining ones were crushed in Georgio’s adorable little midget palms.

            “How many more of my friends must die before this is all over with”? lamented the slightly wounded Axemaster.

            “Axemaster, you’re hurt!” said Weancy.

            “I’ll be okay,” replied Axemaster, “The ducks were just dancing with me, not knowing I didn’t have a protective layer of feathers like they did.  This is something I will remedy.”

            Axemaster poured the remnants of several nearby discarded ale bottles on his body to act as an adhesive, and then plucked several of the dead ducks’ feathers off of them, sticking them to his still mostly naked body.

            “I am a bird now too.” Said Axemaster, as Georgio and Weancy exchanged worried glances.  Apparently, even a unicycle enthusiast midget and an ancient woman who lives in a log have limits to their acceptance of odd behavior.

            “Right…” said Georgio, “Let’s move on.”

            “Tweet, tweety tweet!” said Axemaster.

            “Axy, stop that!” said Weancy, “You’re going to alert any guards that don’t happen to be passed out to our presence.”

            “Fine then… but where do we go from here?” said Axemaster.

            “Let’s just follow the signs,” suggested Georgio, “Look at that one by the door over there.”

            Sure enough, there was a sign on the wall with a big X on it that said “you are here,” along with a badly drawn picture of ducks. 

            “Look!” said Georgio, “It says if we go through this door here and down this hall with the water and friendly looking piranhas drawn on it, that we only have two rooms to get through before entering Violent Bob’s Glorious Happy Fun Time Chill Room.  And he just has to be there…”

            “Let’s go then!” said the nervous Weancy.

            They all three went through the door designated on the map and found a long hallway which had what appeared to be a pool of water spread out across it.

            “Yay!” said Axemaster, “I’ll get to check out my newfound duck skills and swim across this puddle!”

            “Wait!” said Weancy, “Don’t you remember the piranha diagram? “

            “Fishies!” exclaimed Axemaster.

            “Yes, fishies that want to eat us… We’d better be safe and float across the pool on this midget here,” said Weancy as she pushed the poor Georgio into the pool.

            Axemaster and Weancy boarded their new vessel (that kicked and gurgled and screamed a lot), and then began to paddle there way across the water.

            But it was something far worse than a piranha that was to gnaw at Georgio, for within no time at all many underfed and underpaid goldfish began to nip at him. 

            “It hurts it hurts!” wailed Georgio, “I can only imagine how much more it would hurt if they actually had teeth!”

            Eventually, they company made it to the other side of the water and got out.  Georgio’s shirt and pants were badly tattered from the light pecks of the goldfishes, but he was not mortally wounded.

            “Please…” said Georgio, “Never use me as a boat again… unless we’re going on a cruise! I do have a mini bar installed within me…”

            “Fair enough,” said Weancy, and the three terrific titans thrust thither through the tapestry; a tapestry which acted as a door to the next room.

            Within the room, the party was to find yet another spectacle.  Several drunken members of what could only be Violent Bob’s Amiable Assassins were throwing empty bottles of ale at each other.  Axemaster and company gawked at this until eventually all of the bottle throwers were knocked out save one.

            “I am the victor!” screamed the man, “Now all the ale is mine!”

            He then picked up several half full ale containers and drank them simultaneously.  He staggered a bit, and then fell over.

            “Such is the price of pure joy,” said the man as he died horribly of a combination of the alcohol poisoning, broken bottle cuts, and the brain hemorrhage he received in his battle.

            “This is a more difficult path of vengeance for me than I expected,” said Axemaster.

            “Yes,” agreed Weancy, “This has been very hard for us.”

            “Right everybody, let’s just get this over with,” said Georgio, and they all went through the door to the next room.

            In it, they found one menacing figure standing by a door in the back.

            “Violent Bob?!” yelled Axemaster.

            “No… I am the great and powerful John Lindsey, guardian of the Room of Violent Bob (long live the Bob),” said the man.

            “Step aside John, we have business with Bob…” said Georgio.

            “You will have to get past me first…” said John as he got in his battle stance.

            “Rrrraaaaahh!!!” yelled Axemaster, as he ran forwards and began madly spinning his axe in circles, lopping off John Lindsey’s head, Georgio’s right pinky finger, and Weancy’s favorite ear.

            “Ouch!” yelped Weancy and Georgio, while John just kind of made a thudding sound as his head and body hit the ground.

            “Sorry…,” said Axemaster, “There was something about him I just didn’t like… And also he is guarding the rabbit slayer, Violent Bob!” He then stormed into the next room, closely followed by his injured friends. 

            In the room were three remarkable things:  a large cage which held Axemaster’s wife Babbette, a fancy pedestal with a large and no doubt expensive diamond on it, and a violent violent figure in a chair in the back.

            “Georgio!” yelled Babbette, “You’ve come to rescue me!  Wait, what is my husband doing here?”

            “So you do have a wife!” exclaimed Weancy almost in tears.

            “It’s really only a title…” said Babbette.

            At this time, Georgio ran up to Babbette’s cage and headbutted the door right off of it. He then very quickly grabbed the diamond off of the pedestal and then said, “Come live with me Babbette.  I have this diamond, and we can ride my new pony to a place where we can start a new life!”

            “A pony, a diamond, and a handsome midget?  That is a recipe for my eternal happiness!” said Babbette as she ran towards Georgio.

            Suddenly, the violent violent figure in the back of the room that had been surveying this scene leapt from his chair and landed amidst the party of people, forming his hands into two karate chops in midair.  His violent hands came down on Georgio’s shoulders and had enough force within them to sever Georgio’s arms right off.  Both Axemaster and Weancy were close enough to this to be knocked halfway across the room.

            “My Georgio and diamond!” screamed Babbette as she bent to the floor by his side.  She then scooped up the midget and the diamond and ran from the room. 

            The man who could only be Violent Bob looked at them for a moment as if readying his next attack, but then started to laugh uproariously instead.

            “Did you both see that?!” Violent Bob said, “My hostage just ran down the hallway carrying a no armed midget!  That has to be the funniest thing I’ve seen within the last five minutes.”

            “You… Are going to die for your transgressions,” said Axemaster as he got back to his feet.

            “Oh please, I just chopped off the arms of a midget with my bear hands, you stand no chance…” said Violent Bob matter of factly.

            “You must pay for killing my pet bunnies!” yelled Axemaster as he ran at Bob with his axe raise high. 

            Violent Bob simply stepped aside a little, shattered the axe with his fist, and then let Axemaster fall harmlessly to the ground.

            “No!” screamed Weancy as she ran to Axemaster, “I don’t care if you had a wife and never told me, you are the only person who has ever been kind to me.  I… I heart you.”

            “Really?” said Axemaster with tears in his eyes.

            “Indubitably,” replied the equally teary Weancy.

            Violent Bob began to giggle uncontrollably but eventually calmed himself and said, “You both stormed my fortress, somehow got past all of my guards, ducks, and goldfish, killed my second in command John Lindsey, and entered my room all in an attempt to avenge the supposed killing of your pet bunnies?!”

            “Supposed killing?” asked Axemaster with a glimmer of hope coming to his eyes.

            “Of course, I haven’t killed any bunnies lately… I’ve been keeping all the animals I find and putting them in a new zoo I’m building for the public.  It is sure to be a profitable venture.  And besides, I have a soft spot for animals… and flowers.”

            “So Laddy Fluffykins is… alive?” asked Axemaster.

            “Yes she is, and you and your friend here have proven yourself worthy to be my servants by your besting of all of the trials within my fortress.  Now  you must join the Amiable Assassins and live in the zoo with your bunnies until the day I decide to kill you!” said Bob.

            “You mean it?” said Axemaster and Weancy in unison.

            “Hooray!” screamed Axemaster as he and Weancy made love and Violent Bob threw up in the corner of the room.

            And they all lived happily ever after…  Babbette and Georgio built a cozy house by a goldfish pond, Axemaster and Weancy constantly made love amidst the rabbits, and Violent Bob went on to win the Nobel Piece Prize. 

            The end and such. Back to Happy and Sane