†††††††††††††††††††††††

†††††††††††

Of Love, Lunch, and Losers

A funny 10 minute play by John Lindsey (11-07-05)

Category: Funny Short Play

 

†††††††††††

CHARACTERS

 

STEVE, 20 years old.Cocky, aggravating.

 

MARV, 21 years old.Typical ďnice guy.Ē

 

BALTHASAR,18 years old.Possibly insane...

 

CLAIRE, 19 years old.Intelligent, witty, etc.

 

 

TIME

 

Present, early afternoon

 

 

 

PLACE

 

In a campus dining facility.Only two tables are visible/needed, CLAIREís table and the boysí table.

 

 

 

(Scene opens as Balthasar, Marv, and Steve sit down to eat at a campus dining facility and notice the gorgeous Claire sitting all alone)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Wow, guys look at the chick sitting over there at that table.She is extremely hot.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Yes, quite...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

My loins ache for her...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

That is... disturbing

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

I get what heís saying though.I should go ďput the movesĒ on her!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Put the moves on her!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

She looks kind of lonely over there by herself; perhaps we can just invite her to sit at our table?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††† BALTHASAR

My loins ache for her...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Stop that!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Okie Doke!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Psh!Iím not sharing her with you two losers.Iím going to go hit on her while you two continue your little ďdinner dateĒ here.

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Oh please Steven, you see that book on her table?

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVEN

Catch-22, yeah...So what?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

It means she has taste.Sorry Steven, you have no chance.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Oh, so youíre saying I donít have taste?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

No taste!?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Lunges across table to lick STEVE)

 

Steve tastes salty!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

†††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Pushes BALTHASAR away)

 

Disgusting!Youíre like some kind of dog...Only you canít do any stupid tricks.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHSAR

Trick or treat.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

†††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Stares at BALTHASAR, dumbfounded)

 

Iím...Going to go meet my future ďlady of the eveningĒ now, goodbye bums.And you may want to watch my tactics Marv, you might learn something.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

And what exactly is it Iíll learn?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

You will learn that whenever I use my powers of seduction, there is not a lady alive who can resist me.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Who can resist gagging more like.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††

 

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Watch and learn, watch and learn.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (STEVE slowly ďpimp walksĒ towards Claireís table)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Hey Balthasar, five bucks says she gets up and leaves the table once he starts talking.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Marv you silly!Money canít talk!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Not even if you ďput your money where your mouth is,Ē eh?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

No!You canít eat the monies!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

I didnít meanĖ

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Once when I was a kid I swallowed a silver dollar...I havenít pooped in years.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Oh... my.Hey, letís listen in on Steveís conversation...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Okie dokie!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Sighs)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

†††††††††††††††††††††††

(Sits down at CLAIREís table as though it belongs to him.BALTHASAR picks up a chicken wing and donut and makes them dance around his plate, MARV shakes his head and smiles)

 

Despair in your loneliness no more, fair maiden!For I, Steven the Great, am here to fulfill your every need.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Good, because right now I need you to get away from me.Go fulfill that.

 

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Iíll ful-fill you with my grandeur!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Your what?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

My grandeur, it means greatness!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Oh I know what it means, I just donít see any in you.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Babe, why do you gotta be so cruel?I take time out of my busy day to come relieve you of your loneliness, and you treat me horribly!Iím tired of it!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Good, then leave me be.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Okay, Iím gone...So, are we still on for Saturday night?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

We are not on for anything, ever.And if you donít leave me alone, youíll be on your way to the hospital.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Because you broke my heart... wench!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Grow up, before I throw up.

 

††††††††††† (Winces at her unintentional rhyme)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Oooo! Youíre ďbustiní rhymesĒ now!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Go away, go away, go away!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Can I see your book?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Snatches CLAIREís book before she can respond.BALTHASAR has forsaken his food dancing games, and begins to play ďdrumsĒ with chicken drumsticks instead.MARV tries to ignore him, and scoots his chair closer to CLAIREís table)

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Catch-22 huh?Is this about baseball, or maybe fishing?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

No, itís about a bombing squadron in World War II...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

World War II, isnít that the war where we gained out independence from Spain?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Youíre joking...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Maybe it was the French then?And then we made them build the Statue of Liberty!It all makes sense now.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

How oh how did you make it into college?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

My dad made a rather large donation to the school...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

I see... So I think Iíve lost my desire to eat here today.If youíll just give me my book back, Iíll be on my way...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Give me your phone number, and Iíll give you your book!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Fine fine, get a pencil.

 

††††††††††† (Snickers meanly)

 

My number is 773-509-5027.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Wait a second...Thatís the number of the rejection hotline!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Ah, so youíve been given this number before.Perhaps many times, yes?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

You have wounded me deep woman!My life was going great, I had such a promising future ahead of me.And then you came and... crushed my hopes and dreams with your... talons!

 

 

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Poor baby.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Hah, so you admit Iím your baby!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

I was being condescending...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

You were leaking water...?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

You know what?Iím actually going to let you keep that book of mine!Maybe a good book will help you with that shoddy vocabulary of yours.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Well if youíre going to keep making fun of me, Iím just going to use the bookís pages as toilet paper!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Good!Maybe youíll get a nasty paper cut and die!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

No you will!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Throws book at CLAIRE, who dodges it, it lands near BALTHASAR who cowers in fear as though it were going to kill him)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

You jerk!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Balls up hers fists as though ready to strike)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Maybe...Maybe I should go...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Tip-toes cautiously away from CLAIRE, and back to his table)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Yes, finally!

 

 

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Okay Marv... Youíre up!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

I think you really pissed her off, Iím going to go try and fix things.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

No no, she was really into me.I just decided she wasnít my type after all.Too evil.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

Like the tiger that ate my Uncle Pat?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† STEVE

Even more so!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

You lie!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Well, Steven and Balthasar, Iím sure your conversation is going to be a good one, but I must bid you farewell for now.

 

(Walks towards CLAIREís table, picking up book on the way.Hands CLAIRE the book.BALTHASAR opens his mouth as if to talk to STEVE; STEVE puts up both hands to shun him, and turns his chair to face CLAIREís table.BALTHASAR starts an unheard conversation with his food instead)

 

Iím sorry about my friendís behavior there, heís not always like that...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

He should be the one apologizing, not you.I could have gotten a nasty paper cut and died!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Iím sure that wasnít Stevenís intention.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

I think I shall curse his name forever!Or at least for the next half hour or so until I cool down.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

May I sit down with you, I promise Iím not nearly as annoying as good olí Steven.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

 

 

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Heís not so much annoying as he is imbecilic...Never mind, heís a whole lot of both.But yes, you can sit down.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Thanks.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

So are you here to hit on me too then?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Well, Iím supposed to be.But since Iím so terrible at it, Iíd rather just talk.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Nah, you canít be any worse at it than your ďfriendĒ there.Try a line, I want to see this ďterribleness.Ē

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Um... Okay.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Picks up nearby spoon)

 

Hey baby, wanna spoon?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

†††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Laughs)

 

That one is pretty lame.Funny yes, but lame.

 

††††††††††† STEVE

(Scowls at CLAIREís laugh, and ďnonchalantlyĒ scoots his chair and entire table towards CLAIRE and MARV.BALTHASAR looks dismayed and stunned at the moving of the table and outstretches his arms towards it as it moves away.Eventually, he moves back towards the table, spinning himself and his chair the whole way)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Arenít all pickup lines lame?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Pretty much.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Alright, I want to hear one from you now!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Do they make any for girls to use on guys?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Probably not, so youíll just have to be inventive.Try It though, I want to hear something really bad!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Bad huh?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Pauses)

 

Okay, hereís one: Do you work for the UPS, because you sure have a nice package!

 

(STEVE, hearing the ďpackage line,Ē slams fist on table in frustration.CLAIRE and MARV look over, then look back at each other. BALTHASAR places some mashed potatoes on STEVEís hand to ďhealĒ the pain.STEVE wipes potatoes on BALTHASAR, who eats them happily)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Perfect!I canít see that one not working on a guy.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

What can I say, Iím awesome.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Well Awesome, can I buy you dinner sometime?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Well... I just got out of a really bad breakup, and Iím just not ready to get back into a new one.Unless you just want to go as friends, and weíll split the check.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Alright, at least I tried.What isyour name anyway, or should I just keep callingyou Awesome?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

You can call me Awesome, but most people just call me Claire.And you are?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Iím Marv, not Marvin, just Marv.

 

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††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

(Laughs.STEVE hears this laugh too, and lays his head down in his arms in defeat.BALTHASAR takes the opportunity to steal some of STEVEís food)

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Youíre laughing at my name arenít you?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

I canít help it.Itís just... Not so common.

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

I was named after my great grandpa, who did a lot of important things...Or at least you would think he did by the stories he used to tell.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

I see, I see.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Well, if you think the name Marv is strange, I have a friend over there at my table named Balthasar!How many people do you know named Balthasar?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

 

(Looks over at the table, cringes at the site of STEVE, and then stares directly at BALTHASAR)

 

Is he building a house out of his silverware and food?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† MARV

Probably, heís a bit... Insane.

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Intriguing...

 

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Walks over to BALTHASARís table)

 

Hello there, Balthasar?

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† BALTHASAR

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Looks up at CLAIRE)

 

My loins ache for you...

 

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† CLAIRE

Alright, youíre mine, letís go!

†††††††††††††††††††††††

††††††††††††††††††††††† (Turns and talks to the audience)

 

What? You all saw this one coming!

 

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Walks hand in hand with BALTHASAR our of the restaurant, STEVE and MARV stare on in amazement)
Back to Happy and Sane

††

 

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