Of Love, Lunch, and Losers

A funny 10 minute play by John Lindsey (11-07-05)

Category: Funny Short Play

 

           

CHARACTERS

 

STEVE, 20 years old.  Cocky, aggravating.

 

MARV, 21 years old.  Typical “nice guy.”

 

BALTHASAR,18 years old.  Possibly insane...

 

CLAIRE, 19 years old.  Intelligent, witty, etc.

 

 

TIME

 

Present, early afternoon

 

 

 

PLACE

 

In a campus dining facility.  Only two tables are visible/needed, CLAIRE’s table and the boys’ table.

 

 

 

(Scene opens as Balthasar, Marv, and Steve sit down to eat at a campus dining facility and notice the gorgeous Claire sitting all alone)

 

                                                STEVE

Wow, guys look at the chick sitting over there at that table.  She is extremely hot.

 

                                                MARV

Yes, quite...

 

                                                BALTHASAR

My loins ache for her...

 

                                                MARV

That is... disturbing

 

                                                STEVE

I get what he’s saying though.  I should go “put the moves” on her!

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Put the moves on her!

 

                                                MARV

She looks kind of lonely over there by herself; perhaps we can just invite her to sit at our table?

 

                                                BALTHASAR

My loins ache for her...

 

                                                MARV

Stop that!

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Okie Doke!

 

                                                STEVE

Psh!  I’m not sharing her with you two losers.  I’m going to go hit on her while you two continue your little “dinner date” here.

                                               

 

                                                MARV

Oh please Steven, you see that book on her table?

 

                                               

 

 

                                                STEVEN

Catch-22, yeah...  So what?

 

                                                MARV

It means she has taste.  Sorry Steven, you have no chance.

 

                                                STEVE

Oh, so you’re saying I don’t have taste?

 

                                                BALTHASAR

No taste!?

 

                        (Lunges across table to lick STEVE)

 

Steve tastes salty!

 

                                                STEVE

                       

                        (Pushes BALTHASAR away)

 

Disgusting!  You’re like some kind of dog...  Only you can’t do any stupid tricks.

 

                                                BALTHSAR

Trick or treat.

 

                                                STEVE

                       

                        (Stares at BALTHASAR, dumbfounded)

 

I’m...  Going to go meet my future “lady of the evening” now, goodbye bums.  And you may want to watch my tactics Marv, you might learn something.

 

                                                MARV

And what exactly is it I’ll learn?

 

                                                STEVE

You will learn that whenever I use my powers of seduction, there is not a lady alive who can resist me.

 

                                                MARV

Who can resist gagging more like.

 

                       

 

 

 

                                                STEVE

Watch and learn, watch and learn.

 

                        (STEVE slowly “pimp walks” towards Claire’s table)

 

                                                MARV

Hey Balthasar, five bucks says she gets up and leaves the table once he starts talking.

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Marv you silly!  Money can’t talk!

 

                                                MARV

Not even if you “put your money where your mouth is,” eh?

 

                                                BALTHASAR

No!  You can’t eat the monies!

 

                                                MARV

I didn’t mean–

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Once when I was a kid I swallowed a silver dollar...  I haven’t pooped in years.

 

                                                MARV

Oh... my.  Hey, let’s listen in on Steve’s conversation...

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Okie dokie!

 

                                                MARV

                        (Sighs)

 

                                                STEVE

                       

(Sits down at CLAIRE’s table as though it belongs to him.  BALTHASAR picks up a chicken wing and donut and makes them dance around his plate, MARV shakes his head and smiles)

 

Despair in your loneliness no more, fair maiden!  For I, Steven the Great, am here to fulfill your every need.

 

                                                CLAIRE

Good, because right now I need you to get away from me.  Go fulfill that.

 

 

 

                                                STEVE

I’ll ful-fill you with my grandeur!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Your what?

 

                                                STEVE

My grandeur, it means greatness!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Oh I know what it means, I just don’t see any in you.

 

                                                STEVE

Babe, why do you gotta be so cruel?  I take time out of my busy day to come relieve you of your loneliness, and you treat me horribly!  I’m tired of it!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Good, then leave me be.

 

                                                STEVE

Okay, I’m gone...  So, are we still on for Saturday night?

 

                                                CLAIRE

We are not on for anything, ever.  And if you don’t leave me alone, you’ll be on your way to the hospital.

 

                                                STEVE

Because you broke my heart... wench!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Grow up, before I throw up.

 

            (Winces at her unintentional rhyme)

 

                                                STEVE

Oooo! You’re “bustin’ rhymes” now!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Go away, go away, go away!

 

                                                STEVE

Can I see your book?

 

                                    (Snatches CLAIRE’s book before she can respond.  BALTHASAR has forsaken his food dancing games, and begins to play “drums” with chicken drumsticks instead.  MARV tries to ignore him, and scoots his chair closer to CLAIRE’s table)

 

 

                                                STEVE

Catch-22 huh?  Is this about baseball, or maybe fishing?

 

                                                CLAIRE

No, it’s about a bombing squadron in World War II...

 

                                                STEVE

World War II, isn’t that the war where we gained out independence from Spain?

 

                                                CLAIRE

You’re joking...

 

                                                STEVE

Maybe it was the French then?  And then we made them build the Statue of Liberty!  It all makes sense now.

 

                                                CLAIRE

How oh how did you make it into college?

 

                                                STEVE

My dad made a rather large donation to the school...

 

                                                CLAIRE

I see... So I think I’ve lost my desire to eat here today.  If you’ll just give me my book back, I’ll be on my way...

 

                                                STEVE

Give me your phone number, and I’ll give you your book!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Fine fine, get a pencil. 

 

            (Snickers meanly)

 

My number is 773-509-5027.

 

                                                STEVE

Wait a second...  That’s the number of the rejection hotline!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Ah, so you’ve been given this number before.  Perhaps many times, yes?

 

                                                STEVE

You have wounded me deep woman!  My life was going great, I had such a promising future ahead of me.  And then you came and... crushed my hopes and dreams with your... talons!

 

 

 

 

                                                CLAIRE

Poor baby.

 

                                                STEVE

Hah, so you admit I’m your baby!

 

                                                CLAIRE

I was being condescending...

 

                                                STEVE

You were leaking water...?

 

                                                CLAIRE

You know what?  I’m actually going to let you keep that book of mine!  Maybe a good book will help you with that shoddy vocabulary of yours.

 

                                                STEVE

Well if you’re going to keep making fun of me, I’m just going to use the book’s pages as toilet paper!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Good!  Maybe you’ll get a nasty paper cut and die!

 

                                                STEVE

No you will!

 

                                    (Throws book at CLAIRE, who dodges it, it lands near BALTHASAR who cowers in fear as though it were going to kill him)

 

                                                CLAIRE

You jerk!

 

                        (Balls up hers fists as though ready to strike)

 

                                                STEVE

Maybe...  Maybe I should go...

 

                        (Tip-toes cautiously away from CLAIRE, and back to his table)

 

                                                CLAIRE

Yes, finally!

 

 

 

 

                                                STEVE

Okay Marv... You’re up!

 

                                                MARV

I think you really pissed her off, I’m going to go try and fix things.

 

                                                STEVE

No no, she was really into me.  I just decided she wasn’t my type after all.  Too evil.

 

                                                BALTHASAR

Like the tiger that ate my Uncle Pat?

 

                                                STEVE

Even more so!

 

                                                BALTHASAR

You lie!

 

                                                MARV

Well, Steven and Balthasar, I’m sure your conversation is going to be a good one, but I must bid you farewell for now.

 

(Walks towards CLAIRE’s table, picking up book on the way.  Hands CLAIRE the book.  BALTHASAR opens his mouth as if to talk to STEVE; STEVE puts up both hands to shun him, and turns his chair to face CLAIRE’s table.  BALTHASAR starts an unheard conversation with his food instead)

 

I’m sorry about my friend’s behavior there, he’s not always like that...

 

                                                CLAIRE

He should be the one apologizing, not you.  I could have gotten a nasty paper cut and died!

 

                                                MARV

I’m sure that wasn’t Steven’s intention.

 

                                                CLAIRE

I think I shall curse his name forever!  Or at least for the next half hour or so until I cool down.

 

                                                MARV

May I sit down with you, I promise I’m not nearly as annoying as good ol’ Steven.

 

                                               

 

 

 

                                                CLAIRE

He’s not so much annoying as he is imbecilic...  Never mind, he’s a whole lot of both.  But yes, you can sit down.

 

                                                MARV

Thanks.

 

                                                CLAIRE

So are you here to hit on me too then?

 

                                                MARV

Well, I’m supposed to be.  But since I’m so terrible at it, I’d rather just talk.

 

                                                CLAIRE

Nah, you can’t be any worse at it than your “friend” there.  Try a line, I want to see this “terribleness.”

 

                                                MARV

Um... Okay.

 

                        (Picks up nearby spoon)

 

Hey baby, wanna spoon?

 

                                                CLAIRE

                       

                        (Laughs)

 

That one is pretty lame.  Funny yes, but lame.

 

            STEVE

(Scowls at CLAIRE’s laugh, and “nonchalantly” scoots his chair and entire table towards CLAIRE and MARV.  BALTHASAR looks dismayed and stunned at the moving of the table and outstretches his arms towards it as it moves away.  Eventually, he moves back towards the table, spinning himself and his chair the whole way)

 

                                                MARV

Aren’t all pickup lines lame?

 

                                                CLAIRE

Pretty much.

 

                                               

                                                MARV

Alright, I want to hear one from you now!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Do they make any for girls to use on guys?

 

                                                MARV

Probably not, so you’ll just have to be inventive.  Try It though, I want to hear something really bad!

 

                                                CLAIRE

Bad huh?

 

                        (Pauses)

 

Okay, here’s one: Do you work for the UPS, because you sure have a nice package!

 

(STEVE, hearing the “package line,” slams fist on table in frustration.  CLAIRE and MARV look over, then look back at each other. BALTHASAR places some mashed potatoes on STEVE’s hand to “heal” the pain.  STEVE wipes potatoes on BALTHASAR, who eats them happily)

 

                                                MARV

Perfect!  I can’t see that one not working on a guy.

 

                                                CLAIRE

What can I say, I’m awesome.

 

                                                MARV

Well Awesome, can I buy you dinner sometime?

 

                                                CLAIRE

Well... I just got out of a really bad breakup, and I’m just not ready to get back into a new one.  Unless you just want to go as friends, and we’ll split the check.

 

                                                MARV

Alright, at least I tried.  What is  your name anyway, or should I just keep calling  you Awesome?

 

                                                CLAIRE

You can call me Awesome, but most people just call me Claire.  And you are?

 

                                                MARV

I’m Marv, not Marvin, just Marv.

 

                                               

                                                CLAIRE

(Laughs.  STEVE hears this laugh too, and lays his head down in his arms in defeat.  BALTHASAR takes the opportunity to steal some of STEVE’s food)

 

                                                MARV

You’re laughing at my name aren’t you?

 

                                                CLAIRE

I can’t help it.  It’s just... Not so common.

 

                                               

 

                                                MARV

I was named after my great grandpa, who did a lot of important things...  Or at least you would think he did by the stories he used to tell.

 

                                                CLAIRE

I see, I see.

 

                                                MARV

Well, if you think the name Marv is strange, I have a friend over there at my table named Balthasar!  How many people do you know named Balthasar?

 

                                                CLAIRE

 

(Looks over at the table, cringes at the site of STEVE, and then stares directly at BALTHASAR)

 

Is he building a house out of his silverware and food?

 

                                                MARV

Probably, he’s a bit... Insane.

 

                                                CLAIRE

Intriguing...

 

                        (Walks over to BALTHASAR’s table)

 

Hello there, Balthasar?

 

                                                BALTHASAR

                        (Looks up at CLAIRE)

 

My loins ache for you...

 

                                               

                                                CLAIRE

Alright, you’re mine, let’s go!

                       

                        (Turns and talks to the audience)

 

What? You all saw this one coming!

 

                                    (Walks hand in hand with BALTHASAR our of the restaurant, STEVE and MARV stare on in amazement)
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