| The Christmas Crisis
By John Lindsey
It was Christmas Eve, and Santa was almost ready to deliver his toys to children worldwide. He waddled over to his sleigh and hopped in. A loud cracking noise resonated the instant he sat down.
“Ho ho ho,” said Santa to his reindeer, “It seems as though I’ve put on a little weight since last year.” The reindeer nodded in agreement.
Santa decided that he didn’t really need a sleigh, and proceeded to tie the rope, that the reindeer were attached to, to his own leg. Good old Rudolf looked back at Santa and snickered. The malicious glint in his eyes was nearly as bright as his glowing red nose. He motioned the reindeer to take off, and they did. They didn’t have enough speed to get off the ground yet, so poor Santa was drug several yards before they were finally airborne. Santa was about to yell his traditional “Merry Christmas” line, but was cut short when his head hit the top of a tree. You know, those crazy North Pole trees! Needless to say he was knocked unconscious.
When Santa finally came to, he realized that he was on the ground. The rope that had kept him attached to the reindeer had snapped some time ago. He pulled a global positioning monitor from the Santa-belt, and found out his latitude and longitude. He found out that he was in an alleyway in Independence, Missouri.
He stood up and looked around. He was immediately aware that several hobos were slowly walking towards him. He pulled a Santa-rang out if the Santa-belt, and threw it at the hobos. They easily dodged this and continued towards Santa. He knew that the rooftops would be his only escape, so he pulled out his Santa-grappling hook and climbed his way up to the top of a roof. He then escaped into the night.
Santa then convinced himself that he still had to deliver the world’s presents, reindeer or no reindeer. He jumped of the rooftop with the agility that only someone in his physical condition could muster. When he landed, the earth rumbled for hours.
He brushed himself off, and waddled over to the nearest car. He pulled out his Santa-crowbar, and broke the car’s window. He then unlocked the door and started to open it. Just then, he heard someone yell, “Freeze, you are under arrest!” Santa turned around, and saw a police officer standing with his gun pointed at poor innocent Santa.
“Put your hands in the air, jolly old man,” yelled the officer.
“But, if I do that, then how am I supposed to pull your present out of my bag?” replied Santa. “Y... You mean you have a present for me?” asked the police officer.
“Of coarse I do,” said Santa as he slowly reached for a candy cane, “It’s right here!”
Santa hurled a sharpened candy cane at the officer, and was surprised to see him dodge it. The officer rolled out of its way, and fired a barrage of bullets at the old man. Santa used the “force of Christmas” to deflect the projectiles.
“Okay, so you can deflect bullets, but you won’t stand a chance against my night stick!” said the cop as he pulled out a nightstick. Santa then pulled out a nightstick of his own, the Santa-stick, and prepared to battle the officer.
The battle that followed lasted far into the night. Many pirates, and a few schoolteachers, had gathered to cheer for their favorite, and place bets on who would win.
Santa realized that it was getting late, and that he needed to finish this soon, so he could continue delivering the presents. He quickly opened his present bag, and pulled out some donuts. He was planning on using them to distract the officer, so he could escape.
Just as he was about to throw them, his hunger kicked in, and he ate them. The police officer saw this as an opportunity to jump around behind Santa, which happened to take a while due to Santa’s size, and then handcuffed him. Santa was going to jail... for the third time.
Santa was thrown in jail, and told that he would have to wait there until his trial.
Santa said to a guard, “I’d like my phone call now.” The guard replied, “Yeah, and I’d like a million dollars and a French poodle, but that ain’t gonna happen...”
“Come on! I’m allowed one phone call!” said Santa.
“It’s no use my friend,” said a voice behind Santa. Santa turned to see his prison friend from his last stay, in the same cell as him.
Santa asked, “Bubba, is that you!?”
“Yes it is,” replied Bubba, “It has been a while, hasn’t it Santa?”
“It has Bubba, it has. We had some good times together... but I have no time to talk now. I need to find a way to escape so I can deliver my presents,” said Santa.
Bubba replied, “I have tried to escape many a time, but it was to no avail.”
“What did they put you in jail for again? I don’t remember what you said,” asked Santa.
“Umm... Jaywalking, yes, that’s it...” Replied Bubba. Santa merely replied, “...oh” He then knew that he needed to escape SOON, for he remembered the real reason they locked Bubba away in jail...
Santa used the “force of Christmas” to silently pick the lock of his jail cell. Of coarse, Bubba immediately ran down the hall screaming, “I’m free, I’m free!”
The guards ran after him, leaving Santa alone to find means of escape. He walked down the row of cells, looking at the people within.
Many of them yelled phrases like: “Free me Santa,” and “I promise I won’t kill, or jaywalk again... Just let me out!”
Santa ignored all of these pleas though; he still had presents to deliver.
He walked over to where his Santa-bag, belt, list, and Swiss army knife were being held, and took them back. He looked around, and noticed that a fireplace was conveniently in the same room as his Santa stuff. He crawled into it, and was magically whisked to the top of the chimney, and out of the prison. He jumped off of the roof, ran a little ways, and then swiftly leapt over the prison walls.
He ran down the streets throwing presents through windows. He simply didn’t have enough time, before dawn, to do the traditional “down the chimney” maneuver. He used the “force of Christmas” to slow down the earth’s rotation, so he’d have more time to deliver the presents.
He soon realized that this was futile, and that there is no way he could deliver all of the gifts at this rate. “If only I still had my sleigh,” Santa said to himself, “then I’d be able to go warp speed, while dropping presents down people’s chimneys.
He looked around, and was surprised to see a small sled, that some child must have abandoned, at the bottom of a hill.
“Hmm... I’m sure no one will mind if I ‘borrow’ this,” he said while taking the sled, “Now, if only I could find something, or someone, to pull it.”
He quickly scanned the area for reindeer, but only saw a couple of hobos, an alley cat, and a pair of Galapagos tortoises. He decided that these would have to do, and hooked them all to the sleigh using some Santa-rope. He sprinkled some “magic dust” on them, and they began to fly.
Santa was finally able to deliver the presents to the many children of the world.
Once again, Santa had succeeded in getting an enormous supply of cookies for himself, while giving gifts that he forced the midgets (elves) that he has captured over the years, to make.
As he headed back to the North Pole, he shouted with a tear in his eye, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
Unfortunately, Santa never made it to the North Pole. Some say he got lost over the Bermuda Triangle, others say he was captured by Bubba.
From that Christmas forward, Mrs. Clause has delivered the presents. Using a remote control sleigh, and a Santa doll, she has delivered the toys from the comfort of her own living room.
~ This story is dedicated to the disappearance of Santa Clause; may he one day find his way home~
As Santa pulled into the North Pole, he was greeted by his family of elves, reindeer, and that one old woman they call Mrs. Clause.
“My wonderful reindeer!” Santa proclaimed, “I thought I had lost you!”
Santa hugged Rudolf with glee, and a tear of happiness dripped onto the happy, happy reindeer.
Santa got up and went inside his house, where he was pleased to find that Mrs. Clause had made him an enormous Christmas dinner. He laughed with girlish glee, and ate the food… and then ate Mrs. Clause.
~They all lived happily ever after~
Scooby Doo Ending
As Santa was flying towards the North Pole, he noticed Bubba running through a city. Santa parked his sleigh, and tackled poor Bubba. “Now we’ll see who you really are!” said Santa as he pulled off Bubbas mask.
“Why, it’s Bob Dole!” proclaimed Santa, “Why did you do those horrible things?”
Bob Dole replied, “Well, you saw the commercials right? I needed a place to try out the product, and jail just seemed like a nice place.”
“Well, I should do the right thing and take you back to jail,” said Santa, “But, it seems as though you have too much fun there… so I guess I’ll have to take you back to the North Pole with me!”
Bob Dole smiled with maliciously…
Scooby Doo Ending- Version II
As Santa was flying towards the North Pole, he was unaware that someone was hidden in the back of his sled. It was Bubba, and he needed to know just who this imposter Santa really was. He lunged at Santa and pulled his mask off!
“Why, you’re Rosie O’Donald! Why Rosie, why!?” pleaded Bubba. Rosie replied, while sobbing vehemently, “I did it for the cookies… it was the cookies!”
“I can almost understand that,” said Bubba, “But, what did you do with the real Santa?”
Rosie replied, “Well, I was really hungry… so I…”
“Say no more,” Bubba interrupted, “It’s all going to be okay… We’re all going to be okay…”
~They held each other tight, and cried through out the next day~
The Horror Ending
As Santa flew towards the North Pole, he noticed a red light in the distance. “Now, what could that be..?” said Santa. Terror gripped his heart as he realized what it was. It was Rudolf, and his thug reindeer, coming to finish Santa off. Santa veered his sleigh hard to the right, and tried to escape the wrath of the reindeer… but he was too slow.
They had already caught up with Santa, and were attacking. The evil red of Rudolf’s nose lit up the night’s sky as he attacked. The reindeer hoofed Santa repeatedly… he had no choice but to pull his spork out of the glove compartment.
Rudolf then came in for a kamikaze attack. He plowed into Santa’s sleigh, causing it to break into useless pieces of debris.
As Santa fell, he waved his spork madly. He managed to maim several reindeer during his freefall into the Arctic Ocean…
Know one knows whether or not Santa survived. Although, some old people, and several drugees, swear that they see his apparition every Christmas Eve; delivering his invisible ghost gifts to the world’s children…
The “Makes no Sense” Ending
Santa began his return trip to the North Pole, but decided to stop by Old Man Wilson’s house.
He dismounted from his sleigh, and unhooked the creatures that had pulled it. They frolicked about madly… Santa walked into the Dark Forest, and spoke to the Wise Old Oak Tree.
It gave him the wisdom he needed to train an army of turtle riding hobos, for the purpose of destroying small bakeries.
~Santa built a snowman in honor of the Wise Oak~
Super Sad Ending
Santa pulled into the North Pole, and exited his sleigh. He was about to open the door to his cabin, when he noticed a sign on it that read:
I am sorry, but I cannot live with a man who isn’t there for me
on the happiest night of the year, Christmas Eve. I have left you
for another man. Billy the elf will treat me far better.
Santa broke down into tears. Billy had been his favorite elf, and now he wouldn’t be around to help make toys.
“Curses!” yelled Santa, “Well, I can’t dwell on this. I’ve got to go help the other elves get started on next Christmas’s gift making.”
Santa walked into the workshop, and gasped with disbelief. All of the elves were packing up their tools and leaving.
“What the dilly yo!?” Santa yelled.
“We’re going on strike,” one elf said, “We’re tired of working everyday, but one, of the year while you eat cookies!”
“Oh, I see…” said Santa as he pulled out his blowgun and tranquilizer darts, “I’ll have to throw you all in the dungeon again then.”
“No Santa, we won’t go back there again!” said the elves in unison, “This time you’re going down!”
By the time the battle that ensued was over, the entire North Pole workshop was in ruins. Both Santa, and the group of elves, quit their jobs. Destroying all hopes of Christmas presents…
~Fin O’ De super sad ending~
Greedy Santa Ending
Santa looked at the bounty of cookies he had accumulated this Christmas.
“Another good year,” he proclaimed. All of these years, Santa has been trading presents (that he forced his elves to make against there will) for cookies that people have left him.
Santa walked into his mansion with all of the cookies. He then put them into his giant cookie vault. He entered the vault, and began eating cookie after cookie. Eventually, he heard a knock on the vault door. He opened it and saw Mrs. Clause, reindeer, elves, and Frosty the Snowman standing there. An elf stepped forward and said, “Santa…please…feed us.”
Santa didn’t want to give up any of his cookies, but he knew that if his helpers didn’t eat, that he’d have no one to make his presents, then he’d get no more cookies in the future. Santa threw two cookies into the large group of people, and said, “Split those amongst yourselves. Then, get back to work on preparing next year’s presents!”
Frost the Snowman finally snapped. He stepped forward, and slammed the vault’s door closed. He immediately locked it, leaving Santa trapped within.
Life was good for the elves, reindeer, Mrs. Clause, and Frosty for many decades. That is, until Mrs. Clause decided to open the vault, for cleaning purposes, and was terrified by what she saw. Santa was still alive! He had been eating cookies for decades, and was now even more enormous in size. He saw the opening in the vault, and decided to jump through it.
His enormous size caused him to get stuck halfway through. He then thought up a plan… He picked up one of the cookies that had fallen out of the vault, and ate it.
That one cookie was all it took to increase Santa’s girth dramatically. The swelling of his stomach caused the vault’s wall to crumble.
He then ran to his freedom, and captured all of the elves that were running about. He forced them to work once more, and his greediness was satisfied once more…
Scooby Doo Ending
Scooby Doo Ending: Vr2
The Horror Ending
The "Makes no Sense" Ending
Super Sad Ending
Greedy Santa Ending
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