John Lindsey

7-12-2011


Love and Doom in Bunny Foo Foo Land


It was the perfect day for a lovers' picnic. The sun was shining rays of happiness, the breeze was gently wafting bliss, and the normally picnic ruining ants were choking on the insecticide from Sebastian's ultra strength bug spray can.

It was a day full of promise and pomegranates and Sebastian was busy wooing the famously beautiful Beatrice Bigginslyworthford.

“Lady Beatrice. I trust I have sufficiently and entirely eradicated the pestual threat to our sandwiches. Here is a flower to gaze upon whilst we consume this bountiful feast,” said Sebastian while hurling a thorned rose into his lover's radiant face.

“Thank you my love,” replied the glowing Beatrice, “This rose and sandwich will forever symbolize our incessant lovemaking!”

“Speaking of which...” said Sebastian as he covered Beatrice in sandwiches and roses and and diligently dared to do the “dirty deed.”

But suddenly, and against all notion of reality and everyday space-time physics, a glimmering glittering glistening portal between Earth and Beta Earth appeared between the two lovers from which a horribly gnarled hand reached forth and grabbed dear Beatrice pulling her through time, space, and other whimsical dimensions, not even Mecha-Einstein has heard of, straight to Beta-Earth (more commonly known as Bunny Foo Foo Land), tussling her hair in the process.

“My love!” shouted Sebastian, “You have been snatched from me by what can only be an evil mastermind. Through this portal I too shall traverse until I am back in your arms and loins!”

And so Sebastian diligently danced through the undoubtedly dangerous doorway and directly discovered Bunny Foo Foo Land.

“Here I am in... Bunny Foo Foo Land where as far as I know the very laws of physics can be broken. It may very well be an enchanted land where fairies and gnomes sing and dance amidst robots and flying space emus.” whispered Sebastian gayly.

“Let me jump and see if that she-devil gravity still shackles me to the ground!” declared Sebastian as he jumped and hit his head on a jagged rock he probably should have seen, rendering him unconscious.

He awoke hours later to find himself covered in hash-browns and gravy and surrounded by dozens of happily tittering ten-foot tall carnivorous chipmunks who were preparing to nibble poor Sebastian to deathsies.

“Oh woe is me!” shouted Sebastian, “Here my quest to save my one true love has ended even as it just begun! Never again will I feel the embrace of her bountiful bosoms or hear her beautiful poems as we make sweet and passionate pancakes...

Love is us

We are love

Roses

Noses

Kisses

Fishes...

Our love is lovely rose-fish kisses!

As the magic of this poem leapt from chipmunk to chipmunk their hearts shattered under the weight of such a love. One chipmunk stepped toward Sebastian and stated, “We cannot and shall not eat one whose love is so pure and noble. In fact it is my deepest desire to aid you in your quest to find your special someone though I may die horribly in the attempt (foreshadowing?).”

“Really?” said Sebastian weepingly as he stood up and wiped the hash-browns and gravy from off of his love lifted body.

“You bet your boots really,” replied the chipmunk.

And so, Sebastian gave the chipmunk his boots and they hugged a hug that would have melted the heart of even that evil iceberg that sank the Titanic and was later melted during global warming, drowning every polar bear.

“What is your name?” beseeched Sebastian.

“I am called Yossarian, but my friends call me YoYo. And what I pray do they call you good sir?”

“I am named Sebastian after that lobster in that movie I can't remember the name of.”

“Then Then I shall be a fast friend and ally in your love quest. We should begin before any more time is lost.”

“I agree YoYo,” said Sebastian as the chipmunk crowd parted to let the journeyman and journeymanimal through.

There were gleeful shouts of, “Have funtastic luck!” and “Groovy joy times!” from the chipmunks as YoYo and Sebastian held hands/paws and skipped into the ominous looking forest.

“The Forest of Friendliness is always a good place to find lost loved ones,” said YoYo, “In fact I believe deep in my fuzzy little heart that every good adventure starts here.”

“Indeed it is so my cherished chipmunk compadre!” replied Sebastian when suddenly from out of nowhere and against all rhyme and reason dark wizards(!) appeared in clouds of dark smoke and thunderous boomings and began to hurl fireballs, lightening bolts, and snowflakes at our prancing protagonists.

“Oh no! Doom mages!” shouted YoYo, “Sebastian, let us flee for our lives!”

“No YoYo we fight! Surely these harbingers of deathly doomsickles are tied to the evil one who kidnapped my dear Beatrice!”

Very well Sebastian, These wizards shall feel my furry fury!” shouted YoYo as he leapt upon the nearest doom mage and began nibbling at its ears.

Sebastian picked up a pine cone and hurled it into the mouth of another doom mage, causing it to choke and die in anguish.

YoYo had meanwhile nibbled the noggins off of three more doom mages when he was hit gently in the face by a dozen or more snowflakes from one wizard's magical frost staff.

“Ah the coldness!” screamed YoYo, “The snowflakes! They're melting all over my face. I'm done for!”

“I'll save you YoYo!” yodeled Sebastian as he grabbed a nearby mushroom and lunged at the snowflake squirting assailant.

But alas, he was never to reach his target, as a gentle breeze of wind from a doom mage's whimsical wind wand sent a dozen or so leaves wafting onto Sebastian's exposed cheeks.

“My cheeks!” screamed Sebastian as he clutched his cheeks only to scream, “The leaves are pounding my pleasantly pink cheeks!”

“Oh no your cheeks!” screamed the snowflake covered YoYo, “All is lost!”

Indeed it seemed as though all was truly lost. The snowflake crystals were gently bludgeoning YoYo's furry fur while his ally Sebastian's cherished cheeks were wind chapped and covered with forest leaves.

But suddenly, and against all lime and treason, a warrior forest nymph flew into the conflict with the speed of ten-thousand terrapins, decapitating the two assailing doom mages with her razor sharp nymph wings.

“Woopsies!” the nymph shouted, “I only meant to graze them. Why must so mush death and destruction always follow the fluttering of my wings?”

“I dunno,” replied Sebastian as he brushed forty three leaves from off of his cheeks and turned to greet his life liberator.

“I'm Sebastian and this is my forest friend YoYo,” said Sebastian as he pointed at YoYo who now looked like a giant snow chipmunk.

“But the fellow's all snowed in!” cried the nymph, “I'll melt the snow off with my magical nymph breath!”

She brought her palm to her lips and blew a maaaaagical nymph kiss towards YoYo that was all aglitter with sparkly nymph dust and powder which immediately melted the snowflakes as well as an ample portion of fur off of poor YoYo.

“Ahh! You've burnt off my favorite fur patches. But alas, it is far less painful than the gentle fall of those horrific snowflakes. I am forever in your debt my fine fairy friend!” said YoYo while extending a paw to shake with the fairy.

“I am called Galalapricialivialooloolafluer, but my friends call me... Wait I don't have any friends. They've all been accidentally killed by my waywardly waving wings or kidnapped by the evil warlock Funbuns.”

“Then we shall have to give you a nickname,” said Sebastian, “As that name is ungodly long and ludicrous-”

“I know!” interrupted YoYo, “Let's call her Flutternuts because she can fly and is crazy with her wing killings!”

“No no,” replied Sebastian, “I have a flying squirrel friend named that and I don't want to get them confused. Let's call her Flappyballs because she flaps her wings and saved your life by melting all those snow balls off of you YoYo.”

“Perfect!” shouted YoYo.

“No no,” interposed the possibly nicknamed Flappyballs, “If my name must be desecrated in such a way then how about we just shorten it to Fluer.”

“Yay!” yelled the titillated Sebastian, “A new fluttery flappy fairy friend named Fluer! :D”

“Don't get too excited Sebastian, we still have to find and rescue your lovely love,” said YoYo.

“Righto,” replied Sebastian, “I had nearly forgotten about her during our harrowing conflict with the doom mages. Fluer, you said you knew of a kidnapping warlock? Perhaps he is the same person who took my Beatrice and sent these doom mages.”

“An astute inference Sebastian,” replied Fluer, “These doom mages we've dispatched are indeed servants of the aptly named Warlock Funbuns.”

“I probably don't want to know the answer to this, but why is he aptly called Warlock Funbuns? Are his buns... fun?” asked YoYo.

“I don't know, 'Funbuns' is a very common surname in Bunny Foo Foo Land.” replied Fluer.

“But you said 'aptly,'” replied Sebastian, “How do you know Funbuns intimately enough to know that it is a really fitting name for this particular warlock?”

“Okay okay!” shouted Fluer, “He used to be the top baker of Fairyville, where I'm from. It is the fault of us fairy nymphs that he uses his magic for evil instead of baking. Back then we called him Funbuns because he put as little fun into every bun and pastry he baked. No one's buns were more fun than Funbuns'!”

“But how did he become evil?” interrupted Sebastian.

“Some of the other fairies were jealous of his skill,” continued Fluer, “And one night a rival baker nymph named Shree Shree concocted a fairy madness potion and added it to Funbuns' morning muffins mix. When Warlock Funbuns tried the muffins the next day he ingested the powder and got the fairy madness, only in a warlock! Then, he slipped in a puddle of bun grease and fell into his own oven for thirty five minutes. When he crawled out and was left to cool he raised his ugly hand and unleashed his fiery vengeance! Who knows how many fairies escaped; I was one of the few survivors...”

YoYo and Sebastian had both fallen asleep during this unnecessarily long speech so Fluer shouted, “Oh no, more doom mages!”

Sebastian and YoYo screamed, “My cheeks!” and “The snowflakes!” respectively and cowered in fear.

“Verily there are no doom mages,” said Fluer, “I was just upset you both slept through my amazing story.”

“We got the gist of it 'Funbuns, fairy madness, blah blah,'” said Sebastian.

“And that you fairies are responsible for Funbuns' unfun,” replied YoYo.

“Yes, and he's been baking up something terrible,” said Fluer, “He's kidnapped, or 'fairygrabbed' rather, nine of my favorite fairy friends (even Shree Shree) as well as your lady friend apparently.”

“Yes a gnarled hand no doubt belonging to Funbuns kidnapped, or 'lady snatched,' my love Beatrice and pulled her here through a vortex!”

“Then he is even more powerful than I thought,” replied Fluer, “Manipulation of space-time isn't taught even in advanced magical baking class!”

“Whatever he's up to, probably some sort of fairy lady pie harem, he needs to be stopped at all costs,” said YoYo, “Even if it costs me my life (foreshadowing again?)!”

“Then we must embark at once,” said Fluer, “I believe I know the general whereabouts of his forest debaucheries. It is a place of great power where lots of shiny crystals and wisps of magics and such all chill in enchanted harmony.”

“Sounds loverly!” replied Sebastian, “I hope to bed Beatrice and the fairies there when this whole crazy mess is over.”

“Yes yes, we'd all like that,” said YoYo, “But we have to get there first. Let us prance on now; lead the way Flower!”

“It's Fluer... for now. But follow me!”

The three best friends pranced and pirouetted playfully through the pretty pinetrees until they came upon a three way branch in the path. Each pathway full of what were no doubt deadly booby traps.”

“Booooooooby traps!” shouted Sebastian happily “I've never seen so many! They must be protecting something mighty special!”

“I'm going to try to fly above them a bit and see which path is safest,” said Fluer before taking off into the air wounding three humming birds, a flying turtle, and a land dolphin with her razor sharp wings in the process.

YoYo and Sebastian made small talk about ponies, unicorns, and rainbows (typical male drivel) while they waited the few minutes for Fluer to return.

She cam flying back all out of breath and said, “It's no use! Each path is as treacherous as the other. There are gigantic flying scorpions with jagged moose antlers, traps that shoot battleaxe wielding kittens with fire breath, swinging vine snakes that spit acid and botulism encrusted hamburgers! We are doomed whichever path we choose.”

“Well, you're pretty good at killing things with your death wings Fluer,” said Sebastian, “And YoYo and I are good at nibbling and flailing our arms about respectively. Maybe if we each charge a path one of us will make it to the end.”

“Or if we run down the same path we'd be unstoppable!” said YoYo/

“I guess it's worth a shot,” said Fluer, “Follow me, kleekleekleekleeklee!”

And with that war cry the glee-some threesome bolted down the center path.

Destruction was everywhere! Traps were triggered releasing bouncing bone crushing bee boulders. Cannons fired wrath, disdain, and sparrows with knife shooting robot wings!

But the nibbling, flailing, and flying trio made it to the end of the path at last only to find their way barred by ninja riding doom mages!

Fireballs, snowflakes, leaves, and ninja stars were hurled with reckless abandon, killing every one of the ninjas and wizards while seriously wounding each member of the terrific threesome.

“My cheeks!” screamed Sebastian.

“There is a ninja star in my noggin!” screamed YoYo.

“My left wing has thirty five ninja stars, a fireball, and a dozen or more snowflakes sticking out of it!” screamed Fluer.

“But...” stammered Sebastian, “We are still alive and we still have each other.”

“And the magical forest clearing is just ahead!” said Fluer, “Prepare yourself... for Warlock Funbuns!”

“I sure could get used to living life with a ninja star sticking out of my head,” said YoYo, “It feels great compared to those snowflakes from earlier!”

The wounded friends laughingly limped along the lane until they came to the aforementioned forest clearing, in which was a most chilling spectacle.

Things seemed nice at first. Enchanted crystals were all about, which was quaint, and wisps of magical whatnots flitted about fantastically. Even a pristine forest stream meandered around the environs.

But is stark contract to all of this dazzling scenery was the evil twisted gnarled knotted and also quite insane Warlock Funbuns.

And what was more horrific than Funbuns was the gigantic death contraption he had presumably built.

In the center of the clearing was a large nest of happy magic crystals in which was what appeared to be a rather large pie pan. For pie.

Dangling dangerously above said pie pan were Beatrice and five other brilliantly beautiful babes bound to a basket that was no doubt designed to lower the ladies into the giant pie pan which could only be for a malicious but delicious culinary crime.

Oh and also, ringed around the outskirts of the clearing were nine naughty (?) nymphs tethered to the pan through threads of magic. Even Shree Shree was there!

“Beatrice!” screamed Sebastian as he sprinted into the clearing, “Your dearest Sebastian is here to save you from your peril!”

“Lookout my love!” yelled Beatrice from her hangly dangly height just as the evil Funbuns lifted his ugly arm and magiced three flame grizzlies (frizzlies) into existence which ran towards the imperiled Sebastian with gusto!

But Fluer was quick to react and used a delightful little fairy dance spell to distract and enamor the frizzlies long enough for YoYo and Sebastian to gently splash water from the nearby pristine stream onto the frizzlies making them sad, wet, and eventually, dead.

“My frizzlies!” shouted Funbuns as he squirted wizard goo at the trepid trio who all narrowly managed to dodge the goo onslaught.

“Give me my Beatrice back!” screamed Sebastian.

“And give me my fairy sisters back!” shouted Fluer.

“And give me, er... them the stuff they asked for!” belted YoYo.

“I'll do no such thing,” replied Funbuns, “In fact you all have unwittingly involved yourselves in my master plan.”

“Tell us all about it!” giggled YoYo.

“I shall!” bellowed Funbuns, “You see, ever since that day I was poisoned by fairy madness powder and baked alive in my own oven, I've been contemplating my existence in the cosmos and decided it would be nice to share my pain with all universes via some tasty pastry.”

“But why involve my Beatrice?” stammered Sebastian, “Are not flour, eggs, sugar, and dreams the best recipe for pestilence pies?”

“It initially seemed so,” replied Funbuns, “But after much deliberation I realized that only the hottest babes from the sis sexiest universes could possibly contrive the hottie hotcake I have in mind!”

“But then why involve my funtastical fairy friends?!” beseeched Fluer, “Cannest thou not just use your own magic to bring this dastardly delicacy into existence, or is it merely retribution for us fairies causing your current insanity situation?”

“The fairies are the most important part of my scheme,” replied Funbuns, “By shackling their combined magical output to myself and my death pie contraption amongst these maaaaagical crystals, my power has been increased ten thousand fold! Even time and space are toys for me to diddle with allowing me access to all universes and the lovely lady ingredients harbored within.”

“Treachery!” screamed Fluer before charging at Funbuns.

“Abrakahoopdadooooop!” shouted Funbuns as he shot musty mage milk into her eyes blinding her and stopping her assault.

“Fluer!” shouted YoYo and Sebastian simultaneously as they charged at the manic mage Funbuns.

“Tralalabooosh!” shouted Funbuns as he struck the ground with his fists creating a mini earthquake which knocked down YoYo and Sebastian and damaged a few crystals.

“That's it!” whispered YoYo exitedly to Sebastian as they struggled to their feet, “If we can trick him into using his full destructive power he may well destroy the very crystals that are helping to amplify his power!”

“Not happening!” shouted the eavesdropping Funbuns as he evoked an ice cage around Sebastian and YoYo, trapping them within its confines.

“And now to deal with you!” shouted Funbuns at Fluer, “You shall be the final fairy in my collection which will make my plans and power unstoppable!”

With a wiggle of his wizard arm he expelled a magical rope of misgivings around Fluer's dainty head and pulled her into the circle of her pixie peers.

“Now all I have to do is lower the damsels into the pie pan, force the fairies (via mind magic) to fill the pie pan with fairy madness powder, and then use my fairy and crystal boosted magic to bake the perfect doom pie to explode into portals I've opened into every universe, making all sentient beings as insane as I am!” tittered the triumphant Funbuns as he lowered the damsels and began to evoke the fairy madness powder and space time portals.

Bud cruddenly, and lust as all screamed lost, a mand with pen and paper appeared in a puff of smoke and proclaimed, “It is I, John Lindsey, write of this story and the reason for the very existence of Funbuns, Bunny Foo Foo Land, and every other monstrosity contained in this tome I am writing!”

“Riiiiiggght...” said Funbuns as he raised his woeful hand for magic.

“Right indeed!” boasted John Lindsey, “And now I merely have to tough this pen to this paper and I can write you and your evil deeds out of existence! The best Deus ex machina ever! Muwahahahahah!” laughed John Lindsey as he raised his mighty pen.

“Too late!” shouted Funbuns as he shot deadly lighting bolts into John Lindsey's chest, knocking his charred body into the pie pan with all of the delightful damsels who swarmed to comfort him in his final seconds.

Funbuns then finished opening the portals to every universe and then began to dance around in his great (but evil) happiness, really taking his time to enjoy making this vile pie. Meanwhile, Fluer was making mad and continuous attempts to struggle free from her mind magic shackles to no avail.

Then suddenly from out of her painful pie pan prison the not quite yet insane from fairy magic powder Beatrice turned to the ice entrapped Sebastian and began to recite some of her renowned poetry:

Dearest dear one we are dear deer

Though love may be far and love may seem queer

Magical flowers bloom sunsets of blue

Like puppies to turtles as my love for you!

With this powerful poetry a profound and thoughtful silence affected Warlock Funbuns. Sanity slowly slithered into his formerly befuddled mind even as love and warmth penetrated into the deepest recesses of his gal bladder and heart. His visage beamed of happiness and peaches and he even looked slightly less gnarled and hideous than usual.

“Perhaps instead of madness this pie could be used for gladness?” thought Funbuns aloud, “I could withdraw these maidens from the pie pan and use love and peace as the sole ingredients to end both hunger and war in every universe, but only if these dear wronged fairies will allow?”

“Yes!” screamed the fairy Shree Shree, “With all my heart I wish this. We could all live in harmony and peace no matter what universe as long as this can come to pass!”

“Well okay then!” shouted the gleeful Funbuns as he retrieved Beatrice and the other maidens from the pie and removed the ice cage from YoYo and Sebastian.

But alas, during this time of seemingly great happiness, tragedy was to strike as the poor fairy Fluer (half blinded from musty mage milk) had been struggling with her bonds too intensely to notice the good goings on as of late and had managed to break free.

“I'll save us all!” she screamed as she fluttered her fell wings about madly, expelling the thirty five ninja stars, fireball, and dozen or so snowflakes that were still lodged in her wing from the fight with the ninja riding doom mages.

The ninja stars, fireball, and snowflakes rebounded and ricocheted around the crystal clearing maiming just about everyone except for Funbuns and YoYo. They were outright annihilated.

The fireball finally came to a resat gently on the pie (which was just fairy magic powder without all the damsels now) but then exploded shooting fairy madness pie through each of the open space time portals that were beginning to wane in power after the doom of Funbuns.

“Fluer nooo!” screamed the badly injured Sebastian , “Funbuns had just turned good through the power Beatrice's love poetry and had given up his evil plan, but you've managed to bring it about anyway!”

“I... what?” stammered the thunderstruck Fluer.

“And now our good friend YoYo had to share the same fate as Funbuns...” said Sebastian as he shed a single tear for his fallen comrade.

“Oh woe is me!” shouted Fluer, “I only ever try to do my best to help others, but I only reap destruction. Cursed wings which allow so many other creatures to live free only shackle me forever with death! In my hubris I have brought the fairy madness to every universe... My wings offend me, so I shall pluck them off!” proclaimed the unfortunate Fluer.

“Wait!” shouted Beatrice, “There is still time to fix the fate of Bunny Foo Foo Land and the other universes.”

“H... How?” beseeched Fluer.

“The portals weak though they may be and about to close are still open,” replied Beatrice, “If you and your injured fairy friends combine your magic once more you could amplify Sebastian's and my love poetry across every universe!”

“It just might work!” said the newly enthused Fluer, “The fairy madness is slow working without a heat catalyst, and even the fully exposed Funbuns was cured of his insanity by the power of true love.”

“Sebastian! Quite balling over your dead chipmunk friend and come chant one of our favorite love poems, you know the one, into these portals.

“Very well my love,” said Sebastian as he clasped hands with Beatrice and hobbled over to the portals.

The fairies reconvened their magical circle and amplified the voices of Sebastian and Beatrice as they recited:

Love is the tulips and laughadils' smiles

On the lips of the baby moose and crocodiles

Happy

Slappy

Tacos

Friendships

Our love is slappy happy friendship tacos!

The fairies and damsels all smiled at one another as the perfect love of Beatrice and Sebsatian echoed across every universe dispelling all traces of fairy madness and bringing a new era of love and peace to every being.

“Okay damsels, back to your own universes!” said the beaming Beatrice as she ushered the ladies through their respective portals.

“Shall we go back to our Earth then Beatrice?” asked the smiling Sebastian.

“You bet your boots we will Sebastian. We have a picnic to finish!”

“Fantastic! I've already bet them,” replied Sebastian, “And what about you Fluer, what will you and the other fairies do now?”

“Well, even though these portals will soon close and we will finish destroying Funbun's death machine, there is still a chance that this place could still be used again for evil in the future. Therefore it is our duty to protect these crystals and wisps of magical whatnots for our remaining days.” said Fluer.

“Then it is settled! Through our portal we go,” said Sebastian.

And so Beatrice and Sebastian made it somewhat safely back to their own universe where their love and picnic making inspired lovers and eaters everywhere.

YoYo and Funbuns were buried in a shallow grave and no soul ever forgot the love poem that was heard on the day of the great pie rain that fed and clothed every starving person in every world. Also, it cured cancer and made wars a ting of the past!

...The End! ♥




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