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A Series of Five Minute Sketches

John Lindsey 5-25-10


Sketch one: Little Timmy and Father visit Gran Gran at the old folks' home.


TIMMY


I'm so excited to show Gran Gran this drawing I did of a happy puppy leaping over a rainbow of happiness and Leprechaun tears! Do you think she'll like it?!


FATHER


Let me see that?


(looks at picture and frowns)


This looks more like an elephant urinating on a sad circus clown... She'll love it!


TIMMY


Why do you always have to put down my works of art. You know it's the only thing I'm any good at...


FATHER


Yeah, that and failing gym, history, and putting a five piece jigsaw puzzle together. I mean the whole thing was border pieces! How could you fail?!


TIMMY


Yeah? Well at least I tried! You couldn't even figure out how to use the automatic doors to get into this building!


FATHER


I thought the doors were bolted fast to keep the elderly from leaving! Why do you think I threw you against them so hard?


TIMMY


Oh, I'm sure you had nothing but good intentions... Like the time you glued my arm to that American Bald Eagle and then tossed a fish off of the Hoover Dam or when you made me drink old milk to “cure the devil” out of me.


FATHER


It was the homo, to “cure the homo” out of you.




TIMMY


I can really see why Gran Gran tried to get you committed.


FATHER


Better folks have tried...


TIMMY


Oh, don't think I haven't been recording our home life conversations and sending them to the authorities for nothing. It's only a matter of time before you'll get to try on your first straight jacket.


FATHER


I hope they make them in green, that would match eyes. No, bison leather brown! To remind me their is a little bison in all of us. Well, not in you. Tree sloth... That is you.


TIMMY


Enough! We're finally at Gran Gran's room! At last I can converse with someone sane!


(TIMMY and FATHER enter GRAN GRAN's room, only to find the OLD LADY STRANGER there instead)


Wait... That's not Gran Gran...


FATHER


Sure it is! Look at the gray hair... the wrinkles, and look her eye, her wandering eye!


TIMMY


Gran Gran doesn't have a wandering eye. And she is about a foot and a half shorter...


STRANGER


Little Timmy, is that you?


TIMMY


H... How did you know my name?


STRANGER


Because it's me, your dear old Granpappy-




FATHER


(jabbing elbow into old lady)


Granmommy !


TIMMY


Wait, did you have something to do with this father?! Where is the real Gran Gran? And where is Mom, and my three pet lizards... and Uncle Sebastian?


STRANGER


They're on the moon! With the other lunatics! I weren't surposed to tell but-


FATHER


Silence! You know not of what you speak and of what you speak you know not!


TIMMY


What are you keeping from me?!


FATHER


(sighs)


Alas, I didn't want to tell you until you were older, but... insanity runs in our family. Gran Gran escaped from this place last year to climb the world's tallest canyon, and to travel to the depths of the deepest mountain. She was clearly touched mentally.


TIMMY


Gran Gran...


FATHER


Actually, she goes by Herbert now. You'll see her in every sunset, in every drop of dew on the morning turtle, in a baby's laugh, and a lemur's cry. She's in our hearts now Timmy, and in our thoughts and in our bowels.


TIMMY


You...


FATHER


She is the diamond in our rough and the baby in our bonnet. The upside down frown on our lips and the spring in our hips-

TIMMY


You truly are insane...


STRANGER


She is the kick in our giddy up, and the tea in our sugar...


TIMMY


Not you too! Where did father find you anyway?!


STRANGER


Don't tell me you don't recognize your old Uncle Sebastian?


TIMMY


Impossible!


FATHER


Is it? Now you see what happens when the mad men of this mean world meddle with mother earth.


STRANGER


Long ago three lithe and lanky lizards lampooned my loathsome lifestyle in literary limericks. Lo, how I longed to lash and lick those ludicrous louses. But alas, lunatic laughter was my only allowance! Left to long for a life of less languish. Lofty language lost in ludicrous leaps of linguistic linguine.


God I'm Hungry.


FATHER


Right...


TIMMY


So... It's safe to say that old Uncle Sebastian is a prime candidate for the loony bin right?


FATHER


Sure sure. I feel kind of silly for lecturing-


STRANGER


Live lecturing Labradors!



FATHER


-For lecturing you on madness in the family. Sebastian isn't even your real uncle! And Mom's safe at work where we left her!


TIMMY


Oh dad, we sure have the greatest adventures don't we!


FATHER


We sure do son, we sure do. And I'm only hard on you because I want you to grow up to be a brilliant adult who discovers the cure for cancer, AIDs, and wandering eye syndrome... Or else, you see?


TIMMY


I think I can finally see things from your perspective father, now let's get back to the lab and collide electrons in our particle accelerator!


FATHER


Yiiiiiipppeeee!


(TIMMY and FATHER bound out of the rest home)


STRANGER


So long my fake progeny, don't forget to write!