Happy Fun Times With Glee
by John Lindsey (happyandsane.com)
“Jason, would you quite throwing pickles into the deep fryer and help me finish this order!?”
“Oh right... about that. You’re the fastest worker here, I’m sure you can handle it alone. I mean, what is it, a whopping three cheeseburger meal?”
“It’s just the principle of the matter. I shouldn’t have to do all of the work, while you play around with the deep fryer.”
“Josh Josh Josh, settle down. Think of all of the valuable seconds you yourself have wasted getting onto me. You could have the order done by now and been throwing ketchup packets in the fryer with me!”
“I have no desire to participate in such childish games...”
“Oh come on, here, here’s a tomato slice. Just toss it in! It makes this cool ‘flizzle fizzle’ sound and floats all across the fryer. It’s great!”
“Jason, I am going to throw you into the fryer!”
“Ahh, fall back on petty death threats then! It doesn’t scare me, you see just about every employee here has threatened to throw me in the fryer.”
While the two boys were busy arguing, their manager happened to walk past the kitchen. He saw them chatting away, and immediately began shouting at them.
“Hey you two! Why are you just standing around talking? That order has been on your screen for five whole minutes already!”
“Sorry sir...” stammered Josh, “Jason there was having some... complications with the fryer and so I came over to yell at him.”
“Yeah...” said Jason, “These crappy latex gloves you make us wear for ‘sanitation purposes’ are so slippery that every burger I try to piece together ends up falling in the fryer!”
“Then take the gloves off for now and get this order finished!”
“Yes Mr. Frederick sir!” shouted Jason as he took his gloves off and waited around for Josh to finish the order.
“I swear...” said Josh as he began to make the cheeseburgers as fast as it was in his skill to do so. Mr. Frederick seemed contented for the moment, and walked out of the kitchen to see if there were any other lazy employees he could yell at.
“I think I handled that brilliantly” said Jason.
“Just... Go play in the fryer and let me get some work done,” muttered Josh as he finished up the order and started working on the next, a wonderful fried cod portion with extra tarter sauce.
“Nah, I’m bored of that for the moment. I think I’m going to go hit on some customers... Bye!” said Jason while grabbing a broom so he could pretend to be working while out amongst the customers.
Josh muttered obscenities under his breath and continued working alone. After a while, it began to get very busy and he was no longer able to keep caught up. Josh’s order screen became quite congested with orders, and he eventually gave up trying to nobly keep up alone and called out loudly to his manager for some assistance.
Mr. Frederick, who was fairly busy yelling at one of the newer girl workers for pushing the wrong button on the cash register, heard his name being called and rushed bask to the kitchen in hopes of finding a new target to shout at. One look at the full order screen was enough to fill Mr. Frederick with plenty of yelling resolve.
He opened his large mouth and bellowed, “Josh! You’re supposed to be one of my best employees, how could you get so far behind like this! And where is your coworker Jason!?”
“Jason... Had some kind of ‘emergency cleaning’ task to take care of and ran out by the customers.” said Josh.
Meanwhile, Jason was having a grand old time showing off for all of the female customers. He had turned his broom into a kind of “imaginary guitar” and was dancing around and singing rock songs. Now if most guys had been doing something so dorky, it would have been a definite “turn off” for the ladies. But Jason was one of those uniquely handsome men who nearly all women couldn’t help but like. Mildly retarded yes, but definitely attractive, and so most girls would accidently find themselves swooning for this “funny” man. A man they’d all shun if he were ugly.
And so Jason danced and sang for the ladies, while they laughed and forgot about how long their orders were taking. But just as our musical friend Jason started what was assuredly a “wailing guitar solo,” his manager Mr. Frederick walked towards him with Josh following shyly in his wake.
“Alright you moron, where is this supposed mess you abandoned your cooking duties for!?” yelled Mr. Frederick, who’s voice was surprisingly still strong, even after a long day of yelling.
“Mess... Well about that...” said Jason as he grabbed some fries off of an elderly female customer’s tray and threw them onto the ground where he began to sweep them up while whistling “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” The old lady just gasped in amazement and looked towards Mr. Frederick with pleading eyes.
Mr. Frederick glared at Jason and heaved in a big breath of air so he could renew the yelling process.
“Jason... That is the last straw, you’re fired!”
Josh, who didn’t really want to see his lazy (albeit musically inclined) friend lose his job, tried to protest his manager’s ruling.
“But Jason is a very hard worker! You should see the thorough job he does cleaning out the bits and pieces of food that happen to fall into the fryers over the course of the day.” he said.
“Josh, you’re getting to be just as bad as him!” shouted the angry manager, “And I’m tired of you always defending his lazy butt. You’re fired as well!”
Josh was stunned into silence, and turned to his friend Jason for help. Jason, who was quite aggravated by this disturbance of his rock concert, took his broom and used it to quickly sweep the fallen fries onto Mr. Frederick’s nicely polished black shoes.
“Out! Both of you!” screamed Mr. Frederick as he kicked the fry bits off of his previously clean shoes.
“Alright!” Jason shouted back, “But this broom... I’m taking it with me! Hahah!” and with that Jason ran out of the formerly highly esteemed Quicky Burger and into the parking lot. Josh, still shocked at this sudden course of events, followed his “friend” out of the building.
“So anyway, Josh, I was thinking... If we could procure another broom like this one, then we could have an epic duel!” Said Jason, as though the firing incident had not even happened.
“I swear man... If I hadn’t have been your friend since grade school, I’d steal that broom from you and bludgeon your head, repeatedly.”
“Don’t be so angry Josh my dear boy, and you know you would do no such thing. It would be cruel of you to rob me of the few brain cells I have left. ‘Wink wink!’”
“Arg! You know I hate it when you say ‘wink wink.’ It sounds so... gay.”
“You know me, always happy! Wink wink!”
“You aren’t allowed to amuse me when I’m so pissed at you... I really needed that job, I have to finish paying off my car! And my parents, they are going to kill me.”
“Ehh... You gotta die some time! Now me on the other hand, I’m going to live forever! Or at least until I get really bored of life, and then I’ll dress as a seal and play with an orca.” said Jason.
“So... Bored with life yet? Because I’m sure I can make a quick seal costume.”
“Jeez, more death threats! How can you talk to me this way after all I’ve done for you?”
“Jason... What have you ever actually done for me? Aside from getting me fired from my ‘respectable’ fast food job?”
“Well, there was that one time I saved you from the orcas when you were dressed as a seal!”
“That... never happened.”
“Hmm... Must have been a real seal then.”
“Right...” said the exasperated Josh, “But really though, I need to get a new job, and soon.”
“Ahh! Why didn’t you say you were looking for a job? I have a cousin who actually owns the local Smart Mart. I’m sure he can get us both jobs as sackers or something...”
“I’m not so sure I want to work at a grocery store with a bunch of corny looking owls on its grocery bags...”
“What is so bad about that?”
“Well,” said Josh, “Owls are supposed to represent wisdom, not “smartness” or knowledge. So Smart Mart should have like... a picture of a guy reading or something.”
“But what does that have to do with groceries?” asked Jason.
“About as much as owls do...”
“Totch Josh, totch.”
“Are you trying to say touché?”
“Oh fine, correct me, Mr. ‘I Know Everything About The English Language!’”
“Actually, it’s French.” retorted Josh.
In his agitation, Jason began to playfully stab at Josh with the broom handle.
“Take that fiend!”
“Alright, that does it...” joked Josh, as he picked a broken tail pipe piece up off of the ground and swung it at Jason.
So the two friends had their duel after all, both swinging their weapons around, without the intention of really hurting the other person. But just then, the withered old lady who had gotten her fries knocked off of her tray walked out of the restaurant and saw the duel.
“They’re killing each other!” she wailed, and pulled out the cell phone her grand kids had bought her and pushed the speed dial button for the police. It seems 911 would have taken much too long to push in.
Jason and Josh were too busy dueling to notice the old lady’s doings. Jason would scream “totch!” every time Josh would hit him, and Josh would just laugh and laugh. After several more minutes of this duel (during which the old lady had hid behind a street light), both fighters were getting quite worn out.
“Harpoooon!” screamed Jason as he threw his broom at Josh in an attempt to “finish” the duel. Josh dodged it easily, and of course, the sailing broom continued flying right past him and into the forehead of the old lady, who wished she had found a better shield that an ultra thin light post.
Just then, the boys heard police sirens, and saw a police car speeding down the road towards them.
“Run!” shouted Jason as he started running across the parking lot.
“What?” said Josh, “What if she’s hurt or even... dead!? How much head trauma do you think one old lady can stand?”
“My head...” whimpered the old lady.
“See? The ancient one lives! Now lets run! I have outstanding warrants...” said Jason while looking back at Josh.
“Outstanding warrants!?” yelled Josh as he ran after Jason, “What are you talking about?”
“They say I ‘assaulted’ some old man with a lawn dart... I did no such thing, I was only tossing it back into his yard after he threw it into mine! How can I help it if it hit his leg, it was a windy day!” explained the running Jason.
“Just... shut up and run.”
The police car squealed into the parking lot, and a police officer jumped out, “Freeze, both of you!” he shouted.
But just then, the old lady whimpered, “Please sir... I think I need an ambulance, help me...”
The officer was faced with a moral dilemma. He could either shoot the fleeing boys and make their crime “all better,” or help the old lady who might perish if she didn’t get help fast.
The officer nodded in his resolution, and aimed his gun at the leg of Josh. He fired two “warning shots” into it, and then chased him down as he fell to the ground in agony.
“Hah, boy!” he said, “What made you think you could bash an old lady in the head with a broom and get away with it?”
“I need... an ambulance.” the injured Josh squealed.
“Well, this crime is solved!” shouted the officer while running towards his car, “Another job well done!”
He got into the car and sped out of the parking lot looking for more wrongs to right and lawbreakers to punish.
When Jason heard the two gunshots, he was sure he was dead. He wailed in anguish and looked all about his body for the bloody bullet wounds he was certain were there. After seeing that there were none, Jason’s feeling of relief was overpowering.
“I have... A second chance at life!” he screamed with a happy jump into the air, “From this day forward, I will help all those in need, and will be the best friend ever to all of my friendly friends!”
Just then, the gunshot wounded Josh murmured, “Help me...?”
“Ahh! He’s been shot! I’m going to be... an accessory to murder! Outta here!” sputtered Jason as he began to run away from the parking lot once more. But as he ran, all of the memories of Josh and Jason’s childhood friendship ran through Jason’s mind. The time they played cowboys and Indians with real bows and arrows, all of the days spent yodeling in the park (or rather, Jason yodeling while Josh pretended he didn’t know him); and of course, the night they T.P.ed a teepee.
These warm and nostalgic thoughts were too much for Jason, and he knew he had to go back to help his friend. He ran back to his friend, who was muttering obscenities under his breath, and said “Hey Josh... I’m here to save you! Um... what do I do now!?”
“The old lady’s... cell phone... call an ambulance,” was Josh’s reply.
The still dazed old lady was beginning to get her bearings back; and her hand, regaining mobility, slowly inched towards the cell phone.
“I need that!” shouted Jason as he kicked her hand away and picked up the phone, “Ambulance ambulance... What is the number for that again!?”
“It’s on speed dial...” muttered the old lady angrily while rubbing her hand, “I can never remember it either.”
“And after that broom blow to the head, I doubt you’ll ever remember anything again,” replied Jason as he called the emergency number.
“Help help! My friend has been shot!” shouted Jason into the phone when the female emergency worker picked up.
“Calm down sir, now, is this an emergency?” asked the worker.
“My friend has been shot twice!”
“Calm down! It is natural for a person to feel a bit of soreness after having his or her vaccination shots. There is really nothing to worry about. Have your friend drink plenty of liquids, and eat lots of soup... yeah.” said the worker.
“No, he’s been shot!” yelped Jason.
“Ahh... a hangover then, tell him to sleep it off and not to drink so many shots next time.”
“No you idiot! He’s been shot, like with a gun!” screamed the now panicking Jason.
“Young man, this is not the time for jokes! This is an emergency number.” said the obviously angry woman just before hanging up.
Jason cursed loudly and tried redialing the number only to hear a recording say, “Sorry, all circuits are currently in use. Please hold and our operators will be with you shortly.”
Jason was put on hold to Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun” and he threw the cell phone down in anger... Right on Josh’s wounded leg.
There was a slight “aaaargg” from Josh.
“You still live!” screamed Jason in ecstasy, “But how to save you...”
“I have a tourniquet!” stated the old lady, “I was going to use it on my head, but I’m feeling much better now.”
The old lady rustled around in her purse, and pulled out what seemed like a tourniquet.
“You keep tourniquets in your purse!?” asked Jason.
“Of course I do. Along with a complete first aid kit and a Frisbee.”
“I throw it to distract any bears that may attack me.”
“Oh... I didn’t think bears lived in St. Louis”
“Well, you never know…” replied the old lady.
Just then, another police car swerved into the parking lot.
“Oh God no, he’s back!” wailed Jason as he tried playing opossum.
There was a slight groan from Josh, and Jason thought “Oh good, he is still alive!”
A police officer, who was indeed not the same officer as earlier, ran out of his car towards the wounded and pseudo-wounded boys.
“I just got a call over the radio about a fight, and now I see it is far worse than I imagined,” said the officer as he surveyed the scene and radioed for an ambulance.
“Yes, one boy has two bullet wounds; the other appears to be down as well with no visible wounds.”
Jason dared open one eye to survey the scene and saw the old lady run up and hug the police officer.
“Mam,” the officer said, “I am Officer Faulkner; did you witness this skirmish?”
“Hey, didn’t you write that book about the furious sound?” said the old lady.
“No, that was another Faulkner. Now what happened here?”
“Mr. Faulkner?” ventured the old lady, “Will you autograph my Frisbee?”
Officer Faulkner sighed heavily; and Jason, guessing that this was a much friendlier cop than the first, spoke up at last.
“I saw what happened. I was there! An innocent bystander of course, watching in anguish while my bestest friend was gunned down by a cop like some kind of animal, like some kind of deer or other hairy mammal.”
“Wait,” interrupted Officer Faulkner, “Did you say a police officer did this?”
“Oh yes, quite” said Jason as the siren of an ambulance could be heard in the distance.
“He probably would have gotten me too if I wasn’t so good at dodging bullets.”
“Listen son… What was your name?” said Officer Faulkner.
Jason said his name grudgingly (he still feared the arrest warrants).
“Jason, that ‘cop’ who wounded this boy-”
“The wounded animal’s name is Josh. Gunned down in his prime by a-”
“Man we’ve been after for weeks; one Robert Gordan. Car thief (of a police car no less), convicted bank robber, alleged doughnut thief, and general psychopath…” said Officer Faulkner.
The old lady, who had been looking back and forth between Jason and Officer Faulkner with a childlike delight in her eyes, suddenly pointed to the inlet of the parking lot and shouted, “Yay, more flashy lights!”
And sure enough, the “flashing lights” made way into the parking lot.
A man barrel rolled out of the passenger seat while the ambulance slowed for its stop, and then ran up to the accident scene.
“Where is the snakebite victim!?” shouted the man/paramedic hysterically.
“This is a gunshot victim…” said Officer Faulkner.
“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! We’re at the wrong accident scene,” said the paramedic while pacing the ground frantically.
The ambulance driver/EMT lumbered out of the ambulance and surveyed the scene nonchalantly.
“Norman,” he said, “Settle down… The great snakebite tragedy happened yesterday, remember?”
“Sammy, Sammy, okay Sammy, I’m calm,” said the shaking Norman before looking more closely at Josh’s wounds, “Oh God, look at all the blood! He’s not gonna make it, he’s done for, somebody call an ambulance!”
“Oh jeez Norman…” said Sammy (the EMT), “Just make me do everything for you. Seriously, I don’t know how you made it as a paramedic…”
Norman began to chew his already mangled finger nails spastically, while Sammy prepped Josh for the ambulance.
“Why did somebody tie a handkerchief to this kid’s leg?” he asked.
The old lady replied, “It is my favorite tourniquet! It will save this boy’s life no doubt.”
“You didn’t even tie it on the wounded leg…” said Sammy, “It looks as though both bullets may not have hit bone at all, but he’s still lost a lot of blood.”
Sammy finished putting Josh on a stretcher and then loaded him into the ambulance while Norman tried his hardest to help (which amounted to averting his eyes from Josh’s wounds and just pushing the stretcher towards the ambulance).
Sammy got back into the driver’s seat of the ambulance just as Jason hopped in the back and they went speeding towards the hospital (with a brief taco break on the way).
“Fantastic!” shouted the police officer, “I didn't feel like questioning them anyway...”
At the hospital, the mood was tense as Jason looked upon his wounded friend. A doctor rushed in shouted, “We'll have to amputate!” and then rushed off to find a platic butter knife sharp enough for the task.
“Wait... no!” stammered Josh coming to even in his maimed state, “Just... give me a few stitches maybe?”
The doctor took a closer look at Josh's wounds and agreed that this was the best notion after all and got to work immediately.
“Well,” said Jason amicably, “We sure have gotten ourselves into another pickle haven't we Josh?”
“Pickle?!” replied Jason, “I feel like one of the pickles you like to throw in the deep fryers at work... Errr, former work.”
“Sizzle sizzle,” replied Jason, happy his friend was looking better and livening up at last.
“I could end your days right now...” said Josh, “But I'm too tired, what with all the gunshot wounds and all.”
“It's always an excuse with you,” replied Jason, “And that's like the fortieth time you've threatened to kill me today. If I wasn't fond of your smile I'd have unfriended you years ago.”
“Ok, all finished!” shouted the doctor suddenly, “Here's the bill!”
The doctor gave Jason the bill and shimmied out of the room.
“$2,000!?” shouted Jason, “I don't even have a job anymore, how am I supposed to pay for this?!”
“Let's get you out of that silly hospital gown and into some Smart Mart duds!” interposed Jason, while guiding Josh out of the hospital, onto a bus, and eventually, into the Smart Mart parking lot.
“Wow!” said Josh, “I feel better already! It's amazing how quickly a random gunfight tangent ended up bringing us right back to our intended destination!”
“I know,” said Jason, “I have a feeling it is going to be one caaarrazzy summer with these sorts of antics going on! We'll create memories we will treasure forever, like that one time you were shot twice in the leg!”
“It seems like forever ago!” said Jason, as he peered up at the wise looking owl Smart Mart sign and prepared himself for a new epoch in his life. Birds chirped gayly, and a moose bellowed in the distance. Jason knew that everything was finally going to be ok...
© The John Lindsey Corporation/Company/Enterprise