"All Hail King Loser"
Scene 1: Spin the Bottle
Scene 2: Chocolate Sprinkles
Scene 3: Last Night as A Loser
Scene 4: The New Nick
Scene 5: Troubled Nick
Scene 6: Way too Violent
Scene 7: You can always count on your Rock ĎNí Roll friends.
Scene 8: Epilogue
Music Notes
She Thinks I like Fat Chick
Nick The Loser
Nick the Loser 2nd
                                                       Scene 1: Spin the Bottle

(Opening credits roll; teens playing spin the bottle. Bottle handed to Nick)

Ben: Címon Nick, spin it. (Taunting voice)

Nick: Shut up Ben (Nick spins the bottle landing on Jane)

Jane: (disgusted) Umm . . . I donít know . . . (hesitates)

Ben: Jane just kiss him! ! ! !

Jane: (worried) Iím sorry, thatís just nasty. (Leaves room)

Nick: (sad) yeah, whatever . . .

(Nick exits. Room is quiet for about 5 seconds, and then they start the party again like nothing happened)



(Nick, at home. I.P. Freely, the musical cheerer upper arrives.)

I.P.: Hey Nick, how is it going?

Nick: Who are you? And whatís that thing with your hair?

I.P.: My name is I.P. Freely, musical cheerer upper, and this is the *sptp*, Devil-lock! I could see you were a little down, so I came to sing a little song to cheer you up!

Nick: Please donít

I.P.: Címon itíll make you feel better!

Nick: O.K., whatever

(I.P. sings " Nick the Loser") (Refer to end for songs) (I.P. gets up to take a bow. Arm offscreen hands nick a cane. Nick beats I.P. with it. I.P. soon gets up and beats Nick down)

I.P.: Donít mess with I.P. kid! I was only here to cheer you up.

Nick: (spitting up blood) you did a (choke) sucky job at it.

(I.P. beats Nick still some more)

I.P.: At least I can get laid, you friggení V-club pussy!

(Scene fades to black with a close-up blood shot of Nick)

(Fade In) (Room with feminine candles and happy faces appear. I.P. Freely walks in. Gothic music playing)

I.P.: Bring him in (Two men with mask on drag in Ivan)

Ivan: Where the hell am I?

I.P.: Donít be afraid. Oh, yeah dude, want a pistachio?

Ivan: Umm . . . No thanks.

I.P.: Look Ivan, I need your help, Youíre friends with that loser Nick, arenít you?

Ivan: Yeah, but . . . .

I.P.: Silence! ! I need your help to help me get to him. Tell me more about him.

Ivan: Well, Ugh . . . he doesnít have many friends, heís probably the second biggest loser in school . . . .

I.P.: Second Biggest?

Ivan: Heís never been first in anything.

I.P.: Oh.

Ivan: and heís a friend with that really messed up longhaired dude names Ben. He looks a little bit like you.

I.P.: NO HE DOESNíT! ! ! ! (Loudly)

Ivan: Well . . . ugh, you know what, maybe itís just the lighting in here.

I.P.: Thatís probably it. (Softly) But this friend of his must be brought out of the picture. I can already see his character going no where.

Ivan: What are you talking about?

I.P.: Are you still here? Anywise, come here. (I.P. whispers something in Ivan ears.)

Ivan: Oh, my GOD! You canít!

I.P.: But I will. And youíll help me.

(Ivan thinking)

I.P.: Get him out of here.

(Masked men drag Ivan out)

I.P.: Wait (I.P. pulls out a lazer gun)

I.P.: If you wonít help me, I think I can convince you. (I.P. shoots the laser and intentionally misses. Ivan horrifies)

(Masked men come back with out Ivan)

I.P.: Ready for my sponge bath?

Masked Men: Yes sir. (Groaning)


SCENE 2: Chocolate Sprinkles

(Fade In) (Nick wakes up as the phone rings. Nick staggers to answer)

Nick: Hello? (Pause) Oh, hey Kaily, what are you doing? (Pause) I guess, whatís her name? (Pause) Amy? Why do you want me to talk to her anyway? (Pause) Yeah, okay.

(Nick hangs up the phone. 2 seconds later it rings again.)

Nick: Hello? (Pause) Oh, hi Amy, I heard you were going to call. Well, tell me about your self (pause) 210 pounds? (Pause) No, Iíve never heard of soft muscle (pause) Ugh . . . No, I did not shudder (pause) Oh, crap, my kitchens on fire! I gotta go! ! !

(Nick gets off the phone as Ben enters)

Ben: Hey, Nick I know youíre feeling bad about no woman in the world wanting to touch you with a 10 foot pole, but you have to stop being such a negative creep. Címon dude; letís go get some ice cream.

Nick: Have I seen you since the party? You look like someone . . .

Ben: No, I donít. I just ugh . . . have one of those faces.

Nick: Yeah, well, I guess I could stand to get out of the house.

(Nick and Ben go to Dairy Queen. Sit in corner, and start throwing napkins at Clayton Baker yelling, "boo". Clayton gets mad and yells, "Youíll live to regret this" and leaves. Nick and Ben begin talking.)

Ben: Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you so depressed?

Nick: Ben, you saw what happened . . .

Ben: Well, yeah . . . that was kind of pathetic . . . but donít be such a puss!

Has anything like that ever happened to you?

Ben: Yeah . . . Dozens of times. (Dark sarcastic voice)

Nick: It never has, has it?

Ben: Not really, but no one cares about your problems. What about mine? See, itís my chick . . .

(They sing "She Thinks I Like Fat Chicks" (below)

(People throwing ice cream at Nick)

Nick: What the hell?

Kid 1: Nick sucks!

Ben: Get the fuck out of here!

(Kids run out door chanting "Nick sucks" Ben turns around to find Nick gone.)

Ben: Hey Nick . . . Where are you?

(Fade Out)

(Fade In)(Nick walking down the street, depressed, and ice cream all over him. I.P. meets up with him.)

I.P.: Whatís wrong with you?

Nick: Iím just a little pissed off.

I.P.: Well, you know what? I think Iíve got a special song just for you

Nick: God No.

(I.P. plays 3 line of "Nick is really gay" (not in the back) when a hand offscreen hands Nick a cane. I.P. gets worried and stops singing.)

I.P.: Okay, okay, Iíll stop.

Nick: If ya donít, Iíll tear a new hole up youíre a..

I.P.: I get your point. Now ya listen to and youíll get all the chicks. Abracadabra bitch. When you wake up tomorrow morning, youíll be the biggest chick magnet ever.

Nick: Yeah, thanks. But if you sing another song about me being a loser . . .

I.P.: Negative creep

Nick: Whatever. You stop or Iíll beat you down right here.

I.P.: You couldnít if you try your hardest.

(Fade Out)

(End of Scene 2: That means you can go to the bathroom now.) (Unless youíre already there.)

SCENE 3: Last Night as A Loser

(Nick decides to try to be social gain, going to yet another party. Nick walks in, immediately feeling out of place, as a few people give him weird looks. Nick sits in a corner alone while listening to headphones. Kevin walks in, seeing Nick all alone, and decides to sit next to him.)

Kevin: So . . . Decided to be a loner tonight?

(Nick nods head)

Kevin: Well, why donít you talk to some people?

(Nick Nods)

Kevin: It doesnít pay to be anti-social. You know youíre not the first to be brought back, ore even disgusted by human behaviors.

(Nick Nods)

Kevin: No, youíre not the only one whoís though this. But if your sit here and wallow in your sorrows, youíll be miserable forever. So make the most of the time you have.

(Kevin pats Nick on the shoulder and walks off. Nick takes his headphones off.)

Nick: What did you say?

(Nick gets up to look for Kevin, but he is gone. Nick decides to leave, but Ben is making a lot of commotion doing a Sandman routine, smashing beer cans over his head. Nick looks over briefly, but decides not to do anything.)

(Nick Leaves)

(Fade Out)

(End of Scene 3. Damn thatís a short one, but did it make you think? Huh? Did it?

Scene 4: The New Nick

(Fade In) (Nick wakes up, walks down stairs, still sad. As he descends a smile starts to form. Nick turns on the Magical TV.)

TV: And in local new a High School student named Ben Kassydy was murdered by escaped convict I.P. Freely.

(Nick turns off the TV Big smiles on his face.)

Nick: What have I been thinking? I donít need anyone now. That idiot I.P. gave me power over women. I can have every chick I want.

(Nick runs up stairs, and closes his door. Nick comes out as a chick magnet looking wanabe. Nick runs outside.)

(Fade Out)

(Fade In)(Nick standing around a group at a party telling the end of what was probably a very funny joke and everyone is laughing.)

Nick: So, I think I should be leaving. Do any of you wanna come with?

(Two girls accept and they leave. Walking down the sidewalk people look over in envy.) (John Hall approaches)

John: Hey dude. So, ugh, what are these chicksí names?

Nick: I dunno

John: Man, I wish I were just like you!

Nick: Everyone does.

John: Just a second. I heard a story that just two days ago a girl wouldnít even let you kiss her playing spin the bottle!

(The hand offscreen give Nick his can and he proceeds to beat John with is. Who is now spitting up blood.)

Girl 1: Nick, is it true what that guy said?

Girl 2: Yeah, youíre too cool for that.

Nick: No, donít listen to him, Heís mad cuz I stole his chick last month.

Girl 1 and 2:
Oh . . .

Nick: Weíre here. (Nick looks up at his house)

(Girl 1 and 2 walk in.)

(Fade Out)

(Fade In)(Nick wakes up tiredly and walks downstairs. He turns on the TV.)

TV: A tragic event today. The president has been assassinated. We have no suspects yet, but some graffiti nearby reads "I.P. Rocks"

(Nick turns off the TV)

Nick: All these miserable people. Donít they know that when Iím happy, nothing else in the world matters?

(Kevin walks in)

Kevin: Hey Nick Iíve heard you has been quite a hit with the ladies. Did my advice help you out?

Nick: Umm . . . Yeah . . . (Dark sarcastic voice)

Kevin: Yeah, I kind of wondered if you were even listening . . .

Nick: Well, Iím listening now, could you tell me again?

Kevin: It was really one of those spurs of the moment speeches.

Nick: You know, Iíve been really happy about the way things have been going, but I kinda wonder if this is really me.

Kevin: Itís not you. Thatís why youíre happy. Anyways, whatís your secret?

Nick: I.P. Freely

Kevin: Thanks dude, Iíll try that.

(Kevin gets up and leaves. Nick is thinking. Through the window blinds a silhouette of Kevin shows him urinating outside.)

(Fade Out)

(End of Scene 4) (That one was longer than the last wasnít it? This didnít make you think as much though, did it? Just shows itís not the size, its what you do with it. Maybe I should shut up now.

Scene 5: Troubled Nick

(Rumor is spread that Nick is a lousy lover, and he now sees that no one likes him anymore.)

(Fade In)(Nick lying on the floor miserable with cream soda cans and pistachio shells all over him.)

Nick: Oh my God. What is wrong with me? I should be happy but Iím not. I.P. Freely must have reversed the spell. (Nick picks up phone and dials some chick)

Nick: Hey itís me Nick (pause) Lousy lover? Please, give me a second chance (pause) Please, donít hang up! (Click)

(Ben walks in)

Ben: Hey, dude.

Nick: Hey, Ben

Ben: I heard about, your . . . ugh . . . problem.

Nick: Donít say anything more. My run with chicks is over, though. I guess he reversed the spell.

Ben: Who?

Nick: Oh, itís not important. Hey, arenít you supposed to be dead?

Ben: Oh crap, I forgot! (Ben runs out)

Nick: Hey, someone give me someone to talk to (A couple of behind the scene looking people drag Kevin in.)

Nick: Oh, hey Kevin.

Kevin: Hey, Nick. So, I heard what happened.

Nick: Yeah, but I donít want to talk about it.

Kevin: Hey Nick. I know what you problem was. Your plan is flawed. I tried it and some old lady gave me a weird look.

Nick: Yeah . . . Umm . . . I gotta go. (Nick runs out the door)

(Fade out)

(End scene 5) (If your read this far, I truly love you, I really do!!!)

Scene 6: Way too Violent

(Fade In) (I.P. Freely lying around on the ground eating pistachios and playing with action figures. Nick runs in)

Nick: I.P.!!!!

I.P.: Really, you do?

Nick: You know, that joke was stupid and worn out before it even started!

I.P.: Sorry.

Nick: I.P. you gotta put the spell back on!!

I.P.: What spell?

Nick: The spell to make chicks want me! Now they donít!

I.P.: I never put a spell on you. I just did that so youíd stop feeling sorry for yourself. The whole time it was you that brought the chicks to you.

Nick: Yeah, okay . . . but that also means I drove them away too!

I.P.: Yeah, Umm. . (The thing about that is) (Looks around)

I.P.: The thing about that is Ė daguh . . . (Nick runs off somewhere.)

Nick: Oh . . .

(Fade Out)

(Fade In) (Nick sitting on bed with can in hand. Punk rock comes on and Nick gets up and violently starts smashing everything again the room. Music stops and Nick sits back down looking awkward. Nick drops can. Music starts again and Nick continues to smash. Kaily comes in and turns off music.)

Kaily: Nick, what the hell are you doing?

Nick: Listening to music and . . .

Kaily: You were listening to "American Psycho" again werenít you?

Nick: Yeah . . .

Kaily: You get way too violent with all that . . . stuff.

Nick: Hey Kaily?

Kaily: Yeah

Nick: Will you go out with me?

Kaily: (sighs) No Nick. Weíre just friends. (Kaily leaves room)

Nick: Goddammit!

(Fade Out)

(End of Scene 6)

                Scene 7: You can always count on your Rock ĎNí Roll friends.

(Fade In) (Nick and friends sitting in a circle talking.)

Nick: Thanks for coming over everyone

Ivan: Anytime, dude. Whatís the matter?

Kevin: He got dumped again.

Nick: Yeah . . . But I know I can always count on my rock and roll friends.

(I.P. walks in)

I.P.: Well, well, well

Chaz: Who is that?

I.P.: The names I.P. Freely, musical cheerer upper.

Nick: Get out of here! (Nick swings can at I.P., He Ducks)

I.P.: Easy, easy, Nick.

Kevin: Nick, is this one of your friends?

Nick: No. I.P., get the hell out!

Ivan: Címon, Nick, let him stay. You wanted to be cheered up.

I.P.: Oh, yeah, I heard you got dumped Nick, . . . . Again!!

Nick: Shut Up!

Ivan: Hey you play the guitar?

I.P.: Yeah, and I though Iíd sing a song.

Ivan: Hey, I happen to play too . . .

I.P.: No one cares. (I.P. sits down and sings "Hey Nick" Ė it is not at the bottom, as it isnít yet finished Ė After song, Nick swings a punch at I.P., but he catches it, and punches Nick in the face. Nick falls down. All friends but Ivan leave.)

Ivan: Whatíd you do that for?

I.P.: (Bloodthirsty) SHUT UP! (I.P. whispers in Ivan's ears)

Ivan: Are you sure . . . but . . .

I.P.: Just do it!

(Ivan brings I.P. a shovel and trashbag. Nick starts to get up and I.P. hits him with the shovel. Nick falling for good. I.P. wraps Nick in garbage bag, and gives it to Ivan.)

I.P.: You know what to do with this.

Ivan: Yes . . . (worried) I do . . . (Ivan drags garbage bag out of room, lights turn off and strobe light turns on. Evil I.P. strobe shot.)

(End of Scene 7) (Iím tired. Iíve been doing this for 4 hours straight . . . You better appreciate it.

Scene 8: Epilogue

(Fade In)(Outside a park. Ivan and Kaily talking to each other)

Kaily: I donít understand. Did Nick leave town because of me?

Ivan: This isnít . . . Umm . . . like Nick. Why would he leave?

Kaily: I still think thereís something youíre not telling me. Did you see him at all yesterday?

Ivan: No. . . Look, I think we should leave.

Kaily: But Iím worried . . .

Ivan: Look, wherever Nick is, I think heís happy.

(Ivan and Kaily get up and leave. Background shot of a bunch of trash bags. Nick rips out of one, sick and hurt. Nick walks off-screen to the left, then stumbles back over to the right and trips, gets back up, and leaves.)

(Fade Out)

(Fade In) (Cut to I.P. in "Nick the Loser" Second short version Ė its in the back-)


Thank you for reading. Hope you liked my failed production.


Hello. I just want to say a little about the music in this movie. "Nick the Loser" was written by Ben Dykes, who wrote this song to make fun of me, but I soon came to like it and asked him to write it our for my movie. Second, "She thinks I like Fat Chicks" was written by me on 8-23-00. I just added it into the movie script where I could. I was inspired by a feud between Ben bad his chick, which doesnít need to be explained. Itís all in the song. Oh, and hey Nick was never written, so thatís just a blank in the movie. Oh, well. Thatís all for now, if you have any questions, you know where to find me.

-Nick Enloe

Heís just a sexy boy . . .

If anything in this movie resembles true events, well, it does. Many things did happen. I just stretched the truth out for this movie.

-Nick the Loser-

To the music "Polly" by Nirvana
A Ben Dykes Production

Nick canít get a woman,

Chicks donít really dig this guy,

Heís never had a girlfriend

I donít thing he even tries.


Could it be Ė maybe he

Doesnít know, heíll never score.


Let him bum a ride

In your truck or Car,

The lazyĖ fuck wonít go too far.

Nicks not on the Jock team

Youíll never see him in a band

He really needs a hobby,

Just him and his chapped right hand.



Let him bum a ride to a porno flick

Heíll just play- with his dick.

Nickís still in the "V" club,

Iím pretty sire he isnít day,

He gets laid everynight,

Wait, thatís me- but anyway.



Perhaps itís just a phase

A losers fluke

But this piece of shit

Makes women puke.

-She Thinks I like Fat Chick-

A Nick Enloe Original

Nick, she thinks that I like fat chicks.

Nick: Why?

Ben: Cuz I said I donít like toothpicks.

Nick: Ugh . . . thatís pretty sick, but you should know, your stealing all the time on my show.

Ben: Dude, no one cars that youíre a loser.

Nick: Fuck Off, they should know that you drink booze . . . Umm . . . er.

Ben: I think we should get on the subject, instead of talking about you, reject.

Nick: Thatís fine.

Ben: why do these chick think that theyíre chubby?

Nick: Ben, Iíve heard you call them tubby.

Ben: Thereís no controlling their emotions.

Nick: Send those whales back to the oceans.

Ben: This, has nothing to do with what youíve just said, youíll wanna stop and duck youíre head.

Nick: What!!!

-Nick The Loser-

(Second short Version)

A Nick Enloe Original

Nick still canít get a woman

We hit the shovel to his head

All the chick wonder

Is it true heís inbred?


Could it be- maybe he,

Doesnít know- heíll never score


I.P. stole his chicks, tookíem

Round the bend,

As for Nick? Ha, Ha. This ainít the end.

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