The Pet Rock Salesman


John Lindsey 10-22-11


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Setting: HOUSEWIFE is sitting on her couch reading a Sebastian's Secret catalog or maybe a 50 Arbor Day Themed Recipes cook book and hears a knock at her door. She reluctantly closes the cook book and gets up to answer the door.


At the door is a rough, possibly homeless, looking man named RUDIGER pulling a red wagon filled with pet rocks.


RUDIGER

(charismatically)

Hi there lass, my name is Rudiger and I'm a traveling pet rock salesman! Can I interest you in any of my wares this fine morn?

HOUSEWIFE

Pet... rocks?

RUDIGER

Indeedy do my fare lady, and the best currently on the market! This one here is named Sally and this other one is Peter, and I have a few unnamed ones too if you want to get your creative juices flowing and smack out a name of your own!

HOUSEWIFE

I don't understand, you're selling rocks? What exactly am I supposed to do with these?

RUDIGER

Oh they make the most splendedest pets! Dontcha know? You don't have to feed or water them, and they won't have accidents on your carpet or scratch up your furniture.


HOUSEWIFE

Yes that's a very cute idea and all, but why would I want to buy a rock from you when there are plenty of good rocks there on the ground I could just pick up and paint for free if I ever thought a pet rock was something I even desired?

RUDIGER

These aren't just any old rocks! This one was possibly blasted from a volcano, Flemmery there very well could be a chunk of a meteorite birthed amidst the cosmos, and this piece of mica (named Mikah) perhaps has valuable rubies and emeralds inside! Don't break her open though. We don't break open our pets!

HOUSEWIFE

That's a nice story and all but you are pointing to a dirt clod, a chunk of what looks like fossilized dino droppings, and a piece of gravel. Hardly anything I'd actually spend money on...

RUDIGER


But you haven't even heard my prices! So what is the most you're willing to spend? A pet rock is a very serious investment and I do have payment plan options.

HOUSEWIFE

I really don't know why I'm still listening to you... How can you expect much, or even anything for rocks you found on the ground and painted up with some sort of brown foul smelling matter?

RUDIGER

Ok, they're only five dollars a piece! Or three for twenty, a very good deal for something you'll love and cherish your entire life and pass on along to your children, and their childrens' children. I bet you never thought of that huh? Real pets: puppies, kitties, emus, and so on all die. This pet rock will live forever. You'll never have to see the tears in the eyes of your children as you try to explain to them that little Elfy is making dookies with Jesus now.


HOUSEWIFE

First off, I can't conceive... And I can't afford the operation that would fix the problem. Thank you for bringing up a subject that is very painful for me and my husband. I think you should be leaving now.

(starts to close the door)

RUDIGER

Wait! So you can't have a baby of your own? They're ugly anyway, always spitting and pooping and piddling in your favorite Popeye house shoes! A pet rock can be your child! Imagine the possibilities: they never talk back, you won't have to worry about choosing between breast feeding and the bottle (unless you're into that sort of thing with rocks, God knows I am), and you can still claim them as a dependent on your taxes and get money from the government.

HOUSEWIFE

I don't think that last point is true...

RUDIGER

Most of what I've been saying hasn't been true, but look at the rocks! They should be selling themselves! I love pet rocks, I have a whole cardboard box harem filled with them! I'm only selling these so I can afford to eat for the day...

HOUSEWIFE

I suspected you were homeless...

RUDIGER

Home is where the heart is! And my heart (and other organs) are as hard as these pet rocks! Why won't you just buy a rock?!

HOUSEWIFE

So your rocks are pretty much your whole family huh? No friends, a girlfriend maybe, someone who would miss you when you're gone?


RUDIGER

Nope just my darling rocks! They will always be there for me and will even mark my grave in the distant distant future when I die of old age. It's a wonderful life!

HOUSEWIFE

But you implied you had a child who may have spit, piddled, etc. in your Popeye shoes.

RUDIGER

Okay I lied... That was Hobo Dan my arch rival and traveling used socks salesman!

HOUSEWIFE

Then I think I may be interested in a pet rock after all, let me have that big one over there.

RUDIGER

Ahh, Ol' Babbsie, a very fine choice! Five dollars please?

(the exchange is made)

I think you're really going to love your new child!

HOUSEWIFE

You know, when you said you had organs I knew I would have to bludgeon you to death with a rock and harvest said organs to sell on the black market.

(bludgeons RUDIGER on the head)

Now I can finally afford that expensive surgery and have a child of my own. I think... I call it Rudiger if its a boy, and maybe... Ol' Babbsie if it's a girl! Or maybe vice versa, who knows? And I can always make a little extra off the side by claiming this pet rock as my dependent. Now I wonder if Hobo Dan will be by anytime soon... It's a wonderful life!




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