By John Lindsey 9-30-11



The Cursed Sock

Back to happyandsane.com




It was Friday the 13th , Halloween, and... also the autumnal equinox that cursed day when Gregorio and his delightful tart of a gal Bessie were shopping for Halloween costume ideas at their local Thriftywayz Used Costumes and Other Oddities store.

“I think I'll go as a ballerina!” said the delighted Bessie as she pulled a nearby child's tutu from off of its hanger and held it against her body to see if it might fit.

“That... Is definitely too small for you Bessie. Maybe try something else?”

“Are you saying I'm fat? I can fit in this tutu dag nab it!”

“That is neither here nor there,” replied Gregorio as he pointed to a stretched out thrice used and returned “sexy mermaid” costume, “How about that? You could go as a 'little' mermaid!”

“Why did you say 'little' as though you were putting mental quotes around the word? I tell you I can fit in the freakin' tutu! And besides, how exactly am I supposed to get around in a mermaid costume with no leg holes?”

“You could just kind of flop around a bit or crawl, I don't know. The person who bought it before must have found a way,” replied Gregorio.

“They also returned it,” said Bessie, “And what about you, have you been thinking about ideas for your costume? You can't show up at the party 'as your self' again this year. You're not interesting enough to pull that off again silly.”

“Thanks Bessie... You sure now how to make a man feel loved. And yes, I think I will probably go as a pirate this year. There are plenty of returned piratey things here from the last five or so Halloweens.”

“No no, pirates are so... last year...s. And you don't have the swagger for it anyway.”

“The swagger for it? I thought pirates walked that way because they were drunk on rum and booty. It's more of a sea sickened stumble which I should be able to pull off splendidly after a few drinks tonight!”

“I don't think so,” chastised Bessie, “How about you go as a circus clown?”

“No, too creepy. Unless I can go with a balloon animal in my pants!”

“Oh God no. You better not be pulling out or putting in anything into your clown pants while I'm around.”

“Oh you won't be around when I invite the ladies to pull a great number of things out of my magical clown pants!”

“Maybe I shouldn't take you this year,” grumbled Bessie.

“I'll behave I promise! And besides...”

Gregorio's sentence trailed off as his eyes were compelled to look across the room at a certain article of clothing. There, on a “super super discount” bin, just to the left of a broken leaky magic 8-ball, nestled gently between two sweaty just returned combat boots, was the object of his gaze... The cursed sock!

Well, he didn't know it was cursed. Not yet anyway. But already the curse of the cursed sock's curse was cursing Gregorio and luring him into its cursed curse! Bewitched and enraptured by the... allure of this sock, Gregorio began to walk over to where it lay.

“Where are you going?” asked Bessie, “My costume first, my costume first!

“Sure sure dearest Bessie it's just that, I see something and already have the perfect costume in mind for it!”

“You mean those combat boots? Planning to go as an army man are we?”

“Hush your sweet mouth Bessie! It's the sock I desire!”

“That... smelly old sock? What can you possibly use that for?”

“I'm going to go as a hobo of the rails! Whimsically whisking around the country side with my hobo friends telling hobo stories, eating hobo stew, and wooing hobo women!”

“But...” stammered the bemused Bessie, “There is just the one sock though right? And they don't let the homeless into this party, and you'll be too close to character.”

“A hobo Bessie, not homeless! The boxcar and abandoned barn are my homes! I only need one sock because the other foot will need to be bare to flag down trucks for hitchhiking!”

“You aren't the man I fell in love with,” Bessie whimpered.

“There there Bessie, I've already made up my mind. I will go as the one sock hobo and you will go as... a mermaid ballerina!”

“Well... I guess I could cut leg holes in the mermaid costume fin and if I wear the tutu for a few hours before the party it should stretch out enough that I can wear it semi comfortably...”

“Then it's decided!” shouted the gleeful Gregorio as he plucked the drippy sock from its resting place and proceeded to the checkout line. The shopkeeper then gave a lengthy speech about the woes of the cursed sock, the many deaths it had caused, etc. but it was all just blah blah blah in the mind of Gregorio and Bessie had already made it to the car to change into her tutu (unaware that there were many innocent and forever scarred onlookers in the parking lot and nearby cars).

Hours later, the Halloween party was beginning and Bessie and Gregorio arrived in “style.”

“Oh look it's Betsy and George!” shouted the host of the party John, dressed as a sexy firefighter and already quite tipsy as they came in.

“Oh silly John John! You know it's Bessie and Gregorio!” bantered the amused Bessie.

“I know I know,” replied John jollily as he embraced the two for an unnecessary hug.

“Can you guess what we went as?” asked Bessie after this embrace had ended.

“Hmmm let's see,” contemplated John, “Bessie, you're a clownfish and Gregorio went as himself again!”

“No I'm a noble hobo of the rails!” said Gregorio entering the conversation at last, “See my dainty delightful hobo sock?”

He pointed to his foot which was quite shockingly bare. He then looked down at his other foot which was quite equally bare.

“My lucky sock are gone!” shouted the dismayed Gregorio.

“What's gotten into you honey?” implored Bessie, “You must have just left it in the car. It was a wretched old thing anyway. It probably really was a homeless man's sock.”

“Yes it sounds like someones been hitting the sauce a little early eh Gregorio?” said John as he jokingly punched Gregorio's shoulder.

“You beast you! You've taken the sock for yourself!” wailed Gregorio as, sure enough, the cursed sock was on John's foot.

“What the devil?” stammered John as he yanked off the offending sock and threw it back to Gregorio, “Gregorio you trickster! How did you get that sock on my foot without my knowing and where have you hidden my own sock and shoe?”

“Oh... perhaps they are in Hell now, the domain of the sock?” replied Gregorio.

“Very funny Gregorio... You owe me a shoe... and a sock. But not that sock! I'm going to have to go change into a different pair now and all I have are Crocs... Damn you Gregorio!”

John stormed off to his room while Bessie turned to Gregorio and said, “You said you would behave Gregorio! We are just now in the door and already you've upset the host and embarrassed me to the flippers!”

“That was not my intentiOOOOOOON!” shouted Gregorio as he held the drippy sock in his hand. Everyone at the party turned to see who made the offending racket and were dumbfounded to find a menacing looking Gregorio holding a drippy cursed (well they didn't know it was cursed, but were beginning to suspect it) sock. The sock just went drip...drip...drip...drip.

“Just put it back on already so we can try to salvage our reputations as wanted party quests and not the neighborhood weirdos!” whispered Bessie loudly into Gregorio's ear.

Gregorio awoke as from a trance said, “Yes honey,” and then covered the shame of his foot with the cursed sock. The party immediately started anew and with a renewed vigor.

Gregorio shook his head and said, “Sorry Bessie, I don't know what came over me. I'm fine now. I think I just got too much in character or something.”

“You worried me Gregorio... It's like you were temporarily driven mad by that ugly sock and you have to give poor John his shoe back!”

“I don't know where it is... really,” replied the dismayed Gregorio.

“What ever... I'm going to go talk to Rachel and Shree-Shree over there and don't want you lingering around to embarrass me. Go mingle with your guy friends or something, and find John's shoe!”

But the sock had other intentions for Gregorio... Gregorio also had other intentions for Gregorio as on his way to the “mens' corner” of the party he espied a particularly beautiful young lass dressed as a lady bug or something of the like. Feeling put off by Bessie at the moment he went to flirt with this winged damsel.

“Have you seen a missing shoe?” Gregorio foolishly opened conversation with.

“Um... No,” replied the lady bug girl as she looked down at the shoeless one socked Gregorio's feet.

“Oh I see you were admiring my hobo sock. It is a marvel indeed! An authentic vintage hobo sock circa 1920 hobo. It was a real bargain!”

“I... think I'm going to go find my friends now,” said the lady bug girl as she turned to walk away.

“But now the sock is on your foot! You were impressed!”

“Eeek!” shouted the lady bug girl as she squirmed off the drippy sock and threw it into the face of Gregorio, “Sebastian! This strange man stole my shoe and is putting drippy hobo things on my feet!”

Instantly a rather burly man in camouflage sprinted over to Gregorio and the lady bug girl and shouted, “Don't you lay your drippy homeless hands on my lady bug girl!”

“It's Shelly...”

“I know baby I know... Do you want me to help you or not?

“Yes, this man stole my shoe and put a drippy sock on my foot when I was unawares! I think he might have one of those creepy foot fetish things I've read and about watched about on countless websites!”

“You bastard!” said Sebastian to Gregorio.

“It is apparent the sock chooses its wearer...” said Gregorio, “I have no control over its curse! Even now it chooses you!”

Sebastian looked at his feet in dismay and saw that sure enough the cursed sock had indeed taken his foot as its wearer.

“No! NooOOOOOO!” screamed Sebastian as he wriggled out of the sock, “Then I'll burn it, I'll burn it!”

He pulled out his lighter and had just set the sock alight when Gregorio leapt upon him in a mad attempt to rescue his sock in spite of its apparent accursedness. Gregorio finally managed to yank the sock free but in doing so sent it flying through the air and directly into the punch bowel. The punch which just so happened to consist almost entirely of grain alcohol.

Of course, the pure alcohol was ignited by the cursed flaming evil dripping sock which quickly burned through all of the alcohol and foodstuffs in the vicinity and no doubt wold have consumed the entire earth if not for a Crocs sporting sexy firefighter named John who just so happened to be in character enough to bring a fire extinguisher to his own party.

“Wazooo!” shouted John as he put out the deadly flames and turned upon Gregorio, “The stolen shoe I could have forgiven. Making me wear Crocs, I could have forgiven. I could even have forgiven you bringing a dripping cursed hobo sock to my party and creeping out all of my guests. All this I could have forgiven and more because that's what friendship means. But you've burned up all of the booze and food and for that! I cannot and shall not forgive you! Begone my former friend Gregorio and take your Bessie with you maybe she can find it in her heart to forgive you, but I never can...”

And with that the barefoot Gregorio fled from the party forever tormented by the memory of the cursed sock.

As for the cursed sock? It's on your foot now, ahhhhh!!!

Also, Bessie joined a nudist colony where no socks of any nature were ever permitted. It was kinky.


Back to happyandsane.com