Of Love, Lunch, and Losers
A funny 10 minute play by John Lindsey (11-07-05)
Category: Funny Short Play
CHARACTERS
STEVE, 20 years old. Cocky, aggravating.
MARV, 21 years old. Typical “nice guy.”
BALTHASAR,18 years old. Possibly insane...
CLAIRE, 19 years old. Intelligent, witty, etc.
TIME
Present, early afternoon
PLACE
In a campus dining facility. Only two tables are visible/needed, CLAIRE’s table and the boys’ table.
(Scene opens as Balthasar, Marv, and Steve sit down to eat at a campus dining facility and notice the gorgeous Claire sitting all alone)
STEVE
Wow, guys look at the chick sitting over there at that table. She is extremely hot.
MARV
Yes, quite...
BALTHASAR
My loins ache for her...
MARV
That is... disturbing
STEVE
I get what he’s saying though. I should go “put the moves” on her!
BALTHASAR
Put the moves on her!
MARV
She looks kind of lonely over there by herself; perhaps we can just invite her to sit at our table?
BALTHASAR
My loins ache for her...
MARV
Stop that!
BALTHASAR
Okie Doke!
STEVE
Psh! I’m not sharing her with you two losers. I’m going to go hit on her while you two continue your little “dinner date” here.
MARV
Oh please Steven, you see that book on her table?
STEVEN
Catch-22, yeah... So what?
MARV
It means she has taste. Sorry Steven, you have no chance.
STEVE
Oh, so you’re saying I don’t have taste?
BALTHASAR
No taste!?
(Lunges across table to lick STEVE)
Steve tastes salty!
STEVE
(Pushes BALTHASAR away)
Disgusting! You’re like some kind of dog... Only you can’t do any stupid tricks.
BALTHSAR
Trick or treat.
STEVE
(Stares at BALTHASAR, dumbfounded)
I’m... Going to go meet my future “lady of the evening” now, goodbye bums. And you may want to watch my tactics Marv, you might learn something.
MARV
And what exactly is it I’ll learn?
STEVE
You will learn that whenever I use my powers of seduction, there is not a lady alive who can resist me.
MARV
Who can resist gagging more like.
STEVE
Watch and learn, watch and learn.
(STEVE slowly “pimp walks” towards Claire’s table)
MARV
Hey Balthasar, five bucks says she gets up and leaves the table once he starts talking.
BALTHASAR
Marv you silly! Money can’t talk!
MARV
Not even if you “put your money where your mouth is,” eh?
BALTHASAR
No! You can’t eat the monies!
MARV
I didn’t mean–
BALTHASAR
Once when I was a kid I swallowed a silver dollar... I haven’t pooped in years.
MARV
Oh... my. Hey, let’s listen in on Steve’s conversation...
BALTHASAR
Okie dokie!
MARV
(Sighs)
STEVE
(Sits down at CLAIRE’s table as though it belongs to him. BALTHASAR picks up a chicken wing and donut and makes them dance around his plate, MARV shakes his head and smiles)
Despair in your loneliness no more, fair maiden! For I, Steven the Great, am here to fulfill your every need.
CLAIRE
Good, because right now I need you to get away from me. Go fulfill that.
STEVE
I’ll ful-fill you with my grandeur!
CLAIRE
Your what?
STEVE
My grandeur, it means greatness!
CLAIRE
Oh I know what it means, I just don’t see any in you.
STEVE
Babe, why do you gotta be so cruel? I take time out of my busy day to come relieve you of your loneliness, and you treat me horribly! I’m tired of it!
CLAIRE
Good, then leave me be.
STEVE
Okay, I’m gone... So, are we still on for Saturday night?
CLAIRE
We are not on for anything, ever. And if you don’t leave me alone, you’ll be on your way to the hospital.
STEVE
Because you broke my heart... wench!
CLAIRE
Grow up, before I throw up.
(Winces at her unintentional rhyme)
STEVE
Oooo! You’re “bustin’ rhymes” now!
CLAIRE
Go away, go away, go away!
STEVE
Can I see your book?
(Snatches CLAIRE’s book before she can respond. BALTHASAR has forsaken his food dancing games, and begins to play “drums” with chicken drumsticks instead. MARV tries to ignore him, and scoots his chair closer to CLAIRE’s table)
STEVE
Catch-22 huh? Is this about baseball, or maybe fishing?
CLAIRE
No, it’s about a bombing squadron in World War II...
STEVE
World War II, isn’t that the war where we gained out independence from Spain?
CLAIRE
You’re joking...
STEVE
Maybe it was the French then? And then we made them build the Statue of Liberty! It all makes sense now.
CLAIRE
How oh how did you make it into college?
STEVE
My dad made a rather large donation to the school...
CLAIRE
I see... So I think I’ve lost my desire to eat here today. If you’ll just give me my book back, I’ll be on my way...
STEVE
Give me your phone number, and I’ll give you your book!
CLAIRE
Fine fine, get a pencil.
(Snickers meanly)
My number is 773-509-5027.
STEVE
Wait a second... That’s the number of the rejection hotline!
CLAIRE
Ah, so you’ve been given this number before. Perhaps many times, yes?
STEVE
You have wounded me deep woman! My life was going great, I had such a promising future ahead of me. And then you came and... crushed my hopes and dreams with your... talons!
CLAIRE
Poor baby.
STEVE
Hah, so you admit I’m your baby!
CLAIRE
I was being condescending...
STEVE
You were leaking water...?
CLAIRE
You know what? I’m actually going to let you keep that book of mine! Maybe a good book will help you with that shoddy vocabulary of yours.
STEVE
Well if you’re going to keep making fun of me, I’m just going to use the book’s pages as toilet paper!
CLAIRE
Good! Maybe you’ll get a nasty paper cut and die!
STEVE
No you will!
(Throws book at CLAIRE, who dodges it, it lands near BALTHASAR who cowers in fear as though it were going to kill him)
CLAIRE
You jerk!
(Balls up hers fists as though ready to strike)
STEVE
Maybe... Maybe I should go...
(Tip-toes cautiously away from CLAIRE, and back to his table)
CLAIRE
Yes, finally!
STEVE
Okay Marv... You’re up!
MARV
I think you really pissed her off, I’m going to go try and fix things.
STEVE
No no, she was really into me. I just decided she wasn’t my type after all. Too evil.
BALTHASAR
Like the tiger that ate my Uncle Pat?
STEVE
Even more so!
BALTHASAR
You lie!
MARV
Well, Steven and Balthasar, I’m sure your conversation is going to be a good one, but I must bid you farewell for now.
(Walks towards CLAIRE’s table, picking up book on the way. Hands CLAIRE the book. BALTHASAR opens his mouth as if to talk to STEVE; STEVE puts up both hands to shun him, and turns his chair to face CLAIRE’s table. BALTHASAR starts an unheard conversation with his food instead)
I’m sorry about my friend’s behavior there, he’s not always like that...
CLAIRE
He should be the one apologizing, not you. I could have gotten a nasty paper cut and died!
MARV
I’m sure that wasn’t Steven’s intention.
CLAIRE
I think I shall curse his name forever! Or at least for the next half hour or so until I cool down.
MARV
May I sit down with you, I promise I’m not nearly as annoying as good ol’ Steven.
CLAIRE
He’s not so much annoying as he is imbecilic... Never mind, he’s a whole lot of both. But yes, you can sit down.
MARV
Thanks.
CLAIRE
So are you here to hit on me too then?
MARV
Well, I’m supposed to be. But since I’m so terrible at it, I’d rather just talk.
CLAIRE
Nah, you can’t be any worse at it than your “friend” there. Try a line, I want to see this “terribleness.”
MARV
Um... Okay.
(Picks up nearby spoon)
Hey baby, wanna spoon?
CLAIRE
(Laughs)
That one is pretty lame. Funny yes, but lame.
STEVE
(Scowls at CLAIRE’s laugh, and “nonchalantly” scoots his chair and entire table towards CLAIRE and MARV. BALTHASAR looks dismayed and stunned at the moving of the table and outstretches his arms towards it as it moves away. Eventually, he moves back towards the table, spinning himself and his chair the whole way)
MARV
Aren’t all pickup lines lame?
CLAIRE
Pretty much.
MARV
Alright, I want to hear one from you now!
CLAIRE
Do they make any for girls to use on guys?
MARV
Probably not, so you’ll just have to be inventive. Try It though, I want to hear something really bad!
CLAIRE
Bad huh?
(Pauses)
Okay, here’s one: Do you work for the UPS, because you sure have a nice package!
(STEVE, hearing the “package line,” slams fist on table in frustration. CLAIRE and MARV look over, then look back at each other. BALTHASAR places some mashed potatoes on STEVE’s hand to “heal” the pain. STEVE wipes potatoes on BALTHASAR, who eats them happily)
MARV
Perfect! I can’t see that one not working on a guy.
CLAIRE
What can I say, I’m awesome.
MARV
Well Awesome, can I buy you dinner sometime?
CLAIRE
Well... I just got out of a really bad breakup, and I’m just not ready to get back into a new one. Unless you just want to go as friends, and we’ll split the check.
MARV
Alright, at least I tried. What is your name anyway, or should I just keep calling you Awesome?
CLAIRE
You can call me Awesome, but most people just call me Claire. And you are?
MARV
I’m Marv, not Marvin, just Marv.
CLAIRE
(Laughs. STEVE hears this laugh too, and lays his head down in his arms in defeat. BALTHASAR takes the opportunity to steal some of STEVE’s food)
MARV
You’re laughing at my name aren’t you?
CLAIRE
I can’t help it. It’s just... Not so common.
MARV
I was named after my great grandpa, who did a lot of important things... Or at least you would think he did by the stories he used to tell.
CLAIRE
I see, I see.
MARV
Well, if you think the name Marv is strange, I have a friend over there at my table named Balthasar! How many people do you know named Balthasar?
CLAIRE
(Looks over at the table, cringes at the site of STEVE, and then stares directly at BALTHASAR)
Is he building a house out of his silverware and food?
MARV
Probably, he’s a bit... Insane.
CLAIRE
Intriguing...
(Walks over to BALTHASAR’s table)
Hello there, Balthasar?
BALTHASAR
(Looks up at CLAIRE)
My loins ache for you...
CLAIRE
Alright, you’re mine, let’s go!
(Turns and talks to the audience)
What? You all saw this one coming!
(Walks hand in hand with BALTHASAR our of the restaurant, STEVE and MARV stare on in amazement)