| "All Hail King Loser" |
| Scene 1: Spin the Bottle (Opening credits roll; teens playing spin the bottle. Bottle handed to Nick) Ben: C’mon Nick, spin it. (Taunting voice) Nick: Shut up Ben (Nick spins the bottle landing on Jane) Jane: (disgusted) Umm . . . I don’t know . . . (hesitates) Ben: Jane just kiss him! ! ! ! Jane: (worried) I’m sorry, that’s just nasty. (Leaves room) Nick: (sad) yeah, whatever . . . (Nick exits. Room is quiet for about 5 seconds, and then they start the party again like nothing happened) FADE OUT FADE IN (Nick, at home. I.P. Freely, the musical cheerer upper arrives.) I.P.: Hey Nick, how is it going? Nick: Who are you? And what’s that thing with your hair? I.P.: My name is I.P. Freely, musical cheerer upper, and this is the *sptp*, Devil-lock! I could see you were a little down, so I came to sing a little song to cheer you up! Nick: Please don’t I.P.: C’mon it’ll make you feel better! Nick: O.K., whatever (I.P. sings " Nick the Loser") (Refer to end for songs) (I.P. gets up to take a bow. Arm offscreen hands nick a cane. Nick beats I.P. with it. I.P. soon gets up and beats Nick down) I.P.: Don’t mess with I.P. kid! I was only here to cheer you up. Nick: (spitting up blood) you did a (choke) sucky job at it. (I.P. beats Nick still some more) I.P.: At least I can get laid, you friggen’ V-club pussy! (Scene fades to black with a close-up blood shot of Nick) (Fade In) (Room with feminine candles and happy faces appear. I.P. Freely walks in. Gothic music playing) I.P.: Bring him in (Two men with mask on drag in Ivan) Ivan: Where the hell am I? I.P.: Don’t be afraid. Oh, yeah dude, want a pistachio? Ivan: Umm . . . No thanks. I.P.: Look Ivan, I need your help, You’re friends with that loser Nick, aren’t you? Ivan: Yeah, but . . . . I.P.: Silence! ! I need your help to help me get to him. Tell me more about him. Ivan: Well, Ugh . . . he doesn’t have many friends, he’s probably the second biggest loser in school . . . . I.P.: Second Biggest? Ivan: He’s never been first in anything. I.P.: Oh. Ivan: and he’s a friend with that really messed up longhaired dude names Ben. He looks a little bit like you. I.P.: NO HE DOESN’T! ! ! ! (Loudly) Ivan: Well . . . ugh, you know what, maybe it’s just the lighting in here. I.P.: That’s probably it. (Softly) But this friend of his must be brought out of the picture. I can already see his character going no where. Ivan: What are you talking about? I.P.: Are you still here? Anywise, come here. (I.P. whispers something in Ivan ears.) Ivan: Oh, my GOD! You can’t! I.P.: But I will. And you’ll help me. (Ivan thinking) I.P.: Get him out of here. (Masked men drag Ivan out) I.P.: Wait (I.P. pulls out a lazer gun) I.P.: If you won’t help me, I think I can convince you. (I.P. shoots the laser and intentionally misses. Ivan horrifies) (Masked men come back with out Ivan) I.P.: Ready for my sponge bath? Masked Men: Yes sir. (Groaning) (END SCENE 1) SCENE 2: Chocolate Sprinkles (Fade In) (Nick wakes up as the phone rings. Nick staggers to answer) Nick: Hello? (Pause) Oh, hey Kaily, what are you doing? (Pause) I guess, what’s her name? (Pause) Amy? Why do you want me to talk to her anyway? (Pause) Yeah, okay. (Nick hangs up the phone. 2 seconds later it rings again.) Nick: Hello? (Pause) Oh, hi Amy, I heard you were going to call. Well, tell me about your self (pause) 210 pounds? (Pause) No, I’ve never heard of soft muscle (pause) Ugh . . . No, I did not shudder (pause) Oh, crap, my kitchens on fire! I gotta go! ! ! (Nick gets off the phone as Ben enters) Ben: Hey, Nick I know you’re feeling bad about no woman in the world wanting to touch you with a 10 foot pole, but you have to stop being such a negative creep. C’mon dude; let’s go get some ice cream. Nick: Have I seen you since the party? You look like someone . . . Ben: No, I don’t. I just ugh . . . have one of those faces. Nick: Yeah, well, I guess I could stand to get out of the house. (Nick and Ben go to Dairy Queen. Sit in corner, and start throwing napkins at Clayton Baker yelling, "boo". Clayton gets mad and yells, "You’ll live to regret this" and leaves. Nick and Ben begin talking.) Ben: Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you so depressed? Nick: Ben, you saw what happened . . . Ben: Well, yeah . . . that was kind of pathetic . . . but don’t be such a puss! Nick: Has anything like that ever happened to you? Ben: Yeah . . . Dozens of times. (Dark sarcastic voice) Nick: It never has, has it? Ben: Not really, but no one cares about your problems. What about mine? See, it’s my chick . . . (They sing "She Thinks I Like Fat Chicks" (below) (People throwing ice cream at Nick) Nick: What the hell? Kid 1: Nick sucks! Ben: Get the fuck out of here! (Kids run out door chanting "Nick sucks" Ben turns around to find Nick gone.) Ben: Hey Nick . . . Where are you? (Fade Out) (Fade In)(Nick walking down the street, depressed, and ice cream all over him. I.P. meets up with him.) I.P.: What’s wrong with you? Nick: I’m just a little pissed off. I.P.: Well, you know what? I think I’ve got a special song just for you Nick: God No. (I.P. plays 3 line of "Nick is really gay" (not in the back) when a hand offscreen hands Nick a cane. I.P. gets worried and stops singing.) I.P.: Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Nick: If ya don’t, I’ll tear a new hole up you’re a.. I.P.: I get your point. Now ya listen to and you’ll get all the chicks. Abracadabra bitch. When you wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll be the biggest chick magnet ever. Nick: Yeah, thanks. But if you sing another song about me being a loser . . . I.P.: Negative creep Nick: Whatever. You stop or I’ll beat you down right here. I.P.: You couldn’t if you try your hardest. (Fade Out) (End of Scene 2: That means you can go to the bathroom now.) (Unless you’re already there.) SCENE 3: Last Night as A Loser (Nick decides to try to be social gain, going to yet another party. Nick walks in, immediately feeling out of place, as a few people give him weird looks. Nick sits in a corner alone while listening to headphones. Kevin walks in, seeing Nick all alone, and decides to sit next to him.) Kevin: So . . . Decided to be a loner tonight? (Nick nods head) Kevin: Well, why don’t you talk to some people? (Nick Nods) Kevin: It doesn’t pay to be anti-social. You know you’re not the first to be brought back, ore even disgusted by human behaviors. (Nick Nods) Kevin: No, you’re not the only one who’s though this. But if your sit here and wallow in your sorrows, you’ll be miserable forever. So make the most of the time you have. (Kevin pats Nick on the shoulder and walks off. Nick takes his headphones off.) Nick: What did you say? (Nick gets up to look for Kevin, but he is gone. Nick decides to leave, but Ben is making a lot of commotion doing a Sandman routine, smashing beer cans over his head. Nick looks over briefly, but decides not to do anything.) (Nick Leaves) (Fade Out) (End of Scene 3. Damn that’s a short one, but did it make you think? Huh? Did it? Scene 4: The New Nick (Fade In) (Nick wakes up, walks down stairs, still sad. As he descends a smile starts to form. Nick turns on the Magical TV.) TV: And in local new a High School student named Ben Kassydy was murdered by escaped convict I.P. Freely. (Nick turns off the TV Big smiles on his face.) Nick: What have I been thinking? I don’t need anyone now. That idiot I.P. gave me power over women. I can have every chick I want. (Nick runs up stairs, and closes his door. Nick comes out as a chick magnet looking wanabe. Nick runs outside.) (Fade Out) (Fade In)(Nick standing around a group at a party telling the end of what was probably a very funny joke and everyone is laughing.) Nick: So, I think I should be leaving. Do any of you wanna come with? (Two girls accept and they leave. Walking down the sidewalk people look over in envy.) (John Hall approaches) John: Hey dude. So, ugh, what are these chicks’ names? Nick: I dunno John: Man, I wish I were just like you! Nick: Everyone does. John: Just a second. I heard a story that just two days ago a girl wouldn’t even let you kiss her playing spin the bottle! (The hand offscreen give Nick his can and he proceeds to beat John with is. Who is now spitting up blood.) Girl 1: Nick, is it true what that guy said? Girl 2: Yeah, you’re too cool for that. Nick: No, don’t listen to him, He’s mad cuz I stole his chick last month. Girl 1 and 2: Oh . . . Nick: We’re here. (Nick looks up at his house) (Girl 1 and 2 walk in.) (Fade Out) (Fade In)(Nick wakes up tiredly and walks downstairs. He turns on the TV.) TV: A tragic event today. The president has been assassinated. We have no suspects yet, but some graffiti nearby reads "I.P. Rocks" (Nick turns off the TV) Nick: All these miserable people. Don’t they know that when I’m happy, nothing else in the world matters? (Kevin walks in) Kevin: Hey Nick I’ve heard you has been quite a hit with the ladies. Did my advice help you out? Nick: Umm . . . Yeah . . . (Dark sarcastic voice) Kevin: Yeah, I kind of wondered if you were even listening . . . Nick: Well, I’m listening now, could you tell me again? Kevin: It was really one of those spurs of the moment speeches. Nick: You know, I’ve been really happy about the way things have been going, but I kinda wonder if this is really me. Kevin: It’s not you. That’s why you’re happy. Anyways, what’s your secret? Nick: I.P. Freely Kevin: Thanks dude, I’ll try that. (Kevin gets up and leaves. Nick is thinking. Through the window blinds a silhouette of Kevin shows him urinating outside.) (Fade Out) (End of Scene 4) (That one was longer than the last wasn’t it? This didn’t make you think as much though, did it? Just shows it’s not the size, its what you do with it. Maybe I should shut up now. Scene 5: Troubled Nick (Rumor is spread that Nick is a lousy lover, and he now sees that no one likes him anymore.) (Fade In)(Nick lying on the floor miserable with cream soda cans and pistachio shells all over him.) Nick: Oh my God. What is wrong with me? I should be happy but I’m not. I.P. Freely must have reversed the spell. (Nick picks up phone and dials some chick) Nick: Hey it’s me Nick (pause) Lousy lover? Please, give me a second chance (pause) Please, don’t hang up! (Click) (Ben walks in) Ben: Hey, dude. Nick: Hey, Ben Ben: I heard about, your . . . ugh . . . problem. Nick: Don’t say anything more. My run with chicks is over, though. I guess he reversed the spell. Ben: Who? Nick: Oh, it’s not important. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be dead? Ben: Oh crap, I forgot! (Ben runs out) Nick: Hey, someone give me someone to talk to (A couple of behind the scene looking people drag Kevin in.) Nick: Oh, hey Kevin. Kevin: Hey, Nick. So, I heard what happened. Nick: Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it. Kevin: Hey Nick. I know what you problem was. Your plan is flawed. I tried it and some old lady gave me a weird look. Nick: Yeah . . . Umm . . . I gotta go. (Nick runs out the door) (Fade out) (End scene 5) (If your read this far, I truly love you, I really do!!!) Scene 6: Way too Violent (Fade In) (I.P. Freely lying around on the ground eating pistachios and playing with action figures. Nick runs in) Nick: I.P.!!!! I.P.: Really, you do? Nick: You know, that joke was stupid and worn out before it even started! I.P.: Sorry. Nick: I.P. you gotta put the spell back on!! I.P.: What spell? Nick: The spell to make chicks want me! Now they don’t! I.P.: I never put a spell on you. I just did that so you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself. The whole time it was you that brought the chicks to you. Nick: Yeah, okay . . . but that also means I drove them away too! I.P.: Yeah, Umm. . (The thing about that is) (Looks around) I.P.: The thing about that is – daguh . . . (Nick runs off somewhere.) Nick: Oh . . . (Fade Out) (Fade In) (Nick sitting on bed with can in hand. Punk rock comes on and Nick gets up and violently starts smashing everything again the room. Music stops and Nick sits back down looking awkward. Nick drops can. Music starts again and Nick continues to smash. Kaily comes in and turns off music.) Kaily: Nick, what the hell are you doing? Nick: Listening to music and . . . Kaily: You were listening to "American Psycho" again weren’t you? Nick: Yeah . . . Kaily: You get way too violent with all that . . . stuff. Nick: Hey Kaily? Kaily: Yeah Nick: Will you go out with me? Kaily: (sighs) No Nick. We’re just friends. (Kaily leaves room) Nick: Goddammit! (Fade Out) (End of Scene 6) Scene 7: You can always count on your Rock ‘N’ Roll friends. (Fade In) (Nick and friends sitting in a circle talking.) Nick: Thanks for coming over everyone Ivan: Anytime, dude. What’s the matter? Kevin: He got dumped again. Nick: Yeah . . . But I know I can always count on my rock and roll friends. (I.P. walks in) I.P.: Well, well, well Chaz: Who is that? I.P.: The names I.P. Freely, musical cheerer upper. Nick: Get out of here! (Nick swings can at I.P., He Ducks) I.P.: Easy, easy, Nick. Kevin: Nick, is this one of your friends? Nick: No. I.P., get the hell out! Ivan: C’mon, Nick, let him stay. You wanted to be cheered up. I.P.: Oh, yeah, I heard you got dumped Nick, . . . . Again!! Nick: Shut Up! Ivan: Hey you play the guitar? I.P.: Yeah, and I though I’d sing a song. Ivan: Hey, I happen to play too . . . I.P.: No one cares. (I.P. sits down and sings "Hey Nick" – it is not at the bottom, as it isn’t yet finished – After song, Nick swings a punch at I.P., but he catches it, and punches Nick in the face. Nick falls down. All friends but Ivan leave.) Ivan: What’d you do that for? I.P.: (Bloodthirsty) SHUT UP! (I.P. whispers in Ivan's ears) Ivan: Are you sure . . . but . . . I.P.: Just do it! (Ivan brings I.P. a shovel and trashbag. Nick starts to get up and I.P. hits him with the shovel. Nick falling for good. I.P. wraps Nick in garbage bag, and gives it to Ivan.) I.P.: You know what to do with this. Ivan: Yes . . . (worried) I do . . . (Ivan drags garbage bag out of room, lights turn off and strobe light turns on. Evil I.P. strobe shot.) (End of Scene 7) (I’m tired. I’ve been doing this for 4 hours straight . . . You better appreciate it. Scene 8: Epilogue (Fade In)(Outside a park. Ivan and Kaily talking to each other) Kaily: I don’t understand. Did Nick leave town because of me? Ivan: This isn’t . . . Umm . . . like Nick. Why would he leave? Kaily: I still think there’s something you’re not telling me. Did you see him at all yesterday? Ivan: No. . . Look, I think we should leave. Kaily: But I’m worried . . . Ivan: Look, wherever Nick is, I think he’s happy. (Ivan and Kaily get up and leave. Background shot of a bunch of trash bags. Nick rips out of one, sick and hurt. Nick walks off-screen to the left, then stumbles back over to the right and trips, gets back up, and leaves.) (Fade Out) (Fade In) (Cut to I.P. in "Nick the Loser" Second short version – its in the back-) THE END Thank you for reading. Hope you liked my failed production. -MUSIC NOTES- Hello. I just want to say a little about the music in this movie. "Nick the Loser" was written by Ben Dykes, who wrote this song to make fun of me, but I soon came to like it and asked him to write it our for my movie. Second, "She thinks I like Fat Chicks" was written by me on 8-23-00. I just added it into the movie script where I could. I was inspired by a feud between Ben bad his chick, which doesn’t need to be explained. It’s all in the song. Oh, and hey Nick was never written, so that’s just a blank in the movie. Oh, well. That’s all for now, if you have any questions, you know where to find me. -Nick Enloe He’s just a sexy boy . . . If anything in this movie resembles true events, well, it does. Many things did happen. I just stretched the truth out for this movie. -Nick the Loser- To the music "Polly" by Nirvana A Ben Dykes Production Nick can’t get a woman, Chicks don’t really dig this guy, He’s never had a girlfriend I don’t thing he even tries. Chorus1: Could it be – maybe he Doesn’t know, he’ll never score. Variation1: Let him bum a ride In your truck or Car, The lazy– fuck won’t go too far. Nicks not on the Jock team You’ll never see him in a band He really needs a hobby, Just him and his chapped right hand. Chorus1:_______________ Variation2: Let him bum a ride to a porno flick He’ll just play- with his dick. Nick’s still in the "V" club, I’m pretty sire he isn’t day, He gets laid everynight, Wait, that’s me- but anyway. Chorus1:_______________ Variation3: Perhaps it’s just a phase A losers fluke But this piece of shit Makes women puke. -She Thinks I like Fat Chick- A Nick Enloe Original Ben: Nick, she thinks that I like fat chicks. Nick: Why? Ben: Cuz I said I don’t like toothpicks. Nick: Ugh . . . that’s pretty sick, but you should know, your stealing all the time on my show. Ben: Dude, no one cars that you’re a loser. Nick: Fuck Off, they should know that you drink booze . . . Umm . . . er. Ben: I think we should get on the subject, instead of talking about you, reject. Nick: That’s fine. Ben: why do these chick think that they’re chubby? Nick: Ben, I’ve heard you call them tubby. Ben: There’s no controlling their emotions. Nick: Send those whales back to the oceans. Ben: This, has nothing to do with what you’ve just said, you’ll wanna stop and duck you’re head. Nick: What!!! -Nick The Loser- (Second short Version) A Nick Enloe Original Nick still can’t get a woman We hit the shovel to his head All the chick wonder Is it true he’s inbred? Chorus: Could it be- maybe he, Doesn’t know- he’ll never score Variation: I.P. stole his chicks, took’em Round the bend, As for Nick? Ha, Ha. This ain’t the end. |
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