How Joeman Got His Groove Back
Scene 1: I'll take you out...
(fade in)(shot of outside of QuikTrip.Camera pans in to show Joeman sitting in a lounge chair)
Joeman:Oh God. My life sucks. Always working,never having time to just relax. It's hard working here at QuikTrip.
(manager walks in)
Manager: Joeman! Do you ever do anything around here? Every time I see you, you're sitting on your ass! Get to work!
(Manager leaves)
Joeman: See, no time to relax.
(Door opens. Nick enters, stumbling around, bleeding)
Joeman: Nick! What happened to you?
Nick: I.P. Freely...(struggling to talk)
Joeman:Uh...I think we need a mop on aisle four...
Nick: Dude, help me...
(Joeman sits Nick down.Joeman sits next to him)
Nick o you have any pistacios or cream soda here?
Joeman: Yeah, sure.
(Joeman gives Nick pistacios and cream soda)
Joeman: Obviously, you've just come back from a major ordeal, and, not to be rude or anything, but I don't want to hear about it.
Nick: Understood.
Joeman: By the way, did you know you're bleeding from your crotch?
Nick: Uh...yeah.
Joeman: Oh well. See, I have a problem. My life sucks. Obviously, your life is pretty interesting, what with your nuts bleeding and all. Is there any way you could help make my life more interesting?
Nick: How about a new hobby?
Joeman: Like what?
Nick: How about collecting stamps?
Joeman: No...
Nick: Prank phone calls?
Joeman: No...
Nick: Masturbate constantly?
Joeman: I don't think so...
(Nick quickly stands up)
Nick: I got it!
Joeman: What?!
Nick: Disco dancing!
Joeman: What? Disco sucks!
Nick: No, dude, it's completely changed my life.
Joeman: How so?
Nick: I used to be stuck in a rut. Day in, day out, the same old thing...
Joeman: Uh, Nick, you're still majorly stuck in a rut.
Nick: Well, yeah...But check out these moves!
(disco music magically comes on and Nick starts dancing. He then stops)
Joeman: Wow, Nick. I must say I'm thoroughly impressed. I never imagined you as a disco dancer. That's so... out of character.
Nick: Shut up.
Joeman: Could you teach me to dance like that?
Nick: Of course. Just repeat after me.
(Nick does moves. Joeman repeats. This goes on for a while till Nick won't stop dancing and is crashing everything in the store.
Joeman: Nick! Stop!
Nick: once I start, I can't quit.
(everything in store is knocked over) (Manager enters)
Manager: What the hell is going on here?
(Nick stops and stands dumbfounded)
Nick: Got any more pistacios?
Manager: My beautiful store! Get out of here, you disco dancing fool. Your kind isn't wanted here.
(Nick walks out door)
Joeman: Damn, that guys weird.
Manager: By the way, Joeman...
Joeman:Yeah?
Manager: You're fired. Goddam it, Nick!
(Joeman leaves) (fade out)
(Fade in) (Joeman walking down the street with Nick)
Joeman: Nick, you got me fired!
Nick: Good. Now you have more time for disco!
Joeman: Nick, just because you don't have a job doesn't mean everyone else in the world shouldn't have one.
Nick: Hey, mellow out. I did you a favor. Your life sucked there.
Joeman: But it's all I had! Nick, I challenge you to a dance competition right now!
Nick: Okay then!
Nick and Joeman: I'll take you out!
(more music comes from no where. Nick and Joeman keep dancing until Joeman becomes exhausted and falls over)
Nick: Never challenge the teacher. (laughing) You are goddam pathetic! Oh well. You brush up on your skills and I'll see you at the "GroovePad".
Joeman: What's the "GroovePad"?
Nick: It's only the hippest dance club there is. Our competition is coming. I say if you practice, I'll take you on.
Joeman: I'll see you there. I vow to be funkier than I've ever been before.
Nick: See you, then. And hopefully, my nutsack will stop bleeding by then.
(Nick exits) (Camera pans around the corner. I.P. Freely, musical cheerer upper is standing there)
I.P: Hmmm. I think being in the "V" club too long does something to your brain.
(Fade out)
Scene 2: The Ghost of Virginity
(fade in)(Joeman making out with some chick. it begins to look like he's about to score, when Nick, with a sheet over him, walks into the room)
Nick: Wooo...
(Joeman and chick jump, horrified)
Nick: I am the Ghost of Virginity. Your behavior angers me! Please stop!
Joeman: Oh no...
Nick: I am the one that makes sure that losers never score! The popular people need someone that makes them feel better about themselves!
Joeman: Nick, get the hell out of my house!
Chick: Joeman, I'm sorry, I gotta go. Maybe later.
(exit chick)
Joeman: Nick, do you think everyone should be doomed to the misfortunes you are?
Nick: Who is this Nick? I am the Ghost of Virginity!...Okay. I'll stop now.
(Nick takes off blanket)
Joeman: Just a second... how did you get in here?
Nick: Uh...
Joeman: And how did you know what I was doing?
Nick: Well, the thing about that is...daguh!
(Nick runs away)
Joeman: Where have I seen that before?
(fade out)(fade in)(Nick walking down street, singing "I'm an asshole" to himself over and over. I.P. Freely, with a fake goatee on approaches Nick)
Nick: What the hell?! You're I.P. Freely!
I.P.: No, no, I'm U.P. Freely. I.P. is my cousin. Notice the goatee?
Nick: Okay, uh, U.P...What are you doing here?
I.P.: Not much. You?
Nick: Not much here either. Did you know your cousin, uh, tried to kill me?
I.P.: Is that so?
Nick: Yeah, he thought I was the epitome of losers or something. I bet I can dance better than him, though.
I.P.: Hey, I don't need to dance.
Nick: I wasn't talking about you.
I.P.: Huh? Oh yeah, you meant I.P., ha ha.
Nick: Well, see ya.
(I.P. smacks Nick in head with Singapore cane as he begins to walk off, leaving him in a pool of his own blood)
I.P.: Hey, I need something to do in this movie.
(fade out)(Fade in)(Nick and Joeman sitting in a classroom. An attractive chick walks by, and Nick stops her)
Nick: Hello.
Chick: Uh...hi.
Nick: How are you doing?
Chick: I'm okay. Can I go now?
Nick: I do not like green eggs and meat, it is you who I would like to eat.
(Joeman bursts out laughing as Chick slaps Nick and walks off. Mr. Cock, the teacher, takes notice)
Mr. Cock: I don't think we have time to waste!
(Nick sitting there, not paying attention, in a daze)
Mr. Cock: Yes Nick, I'm talking to you. Don't waste my time to flirt with chicks! If you don't stop, you'll find yourself outside with a T-square and a triangle! Huh Nick?
Nick: Okay, I'll shut up now, Mr. Cock.
Joeman:Nick, you're the most pathetic piece of shit I've ever seen. You need to work on those lines a bit, buddy. Oh yeah, your nuts are bleeding again.
Nick: Oh yeah. U.P. Freely.
Joeman: You should really point out where that joke was funny, cuz I'm missing it. Anyway, you up for the competition tonight?
Nick: Oh, I'm up for it! First I'm gonna kick your ass, then I'm gonna kick everyone elses ass!
Joeman: I doubt you'll make it past the first round.
Nick: Oh, we'll see.
(Nick gets into disco pose. Music begins, then abruptly stops. Nick still in stance)
Mr. Cock: What the hell are you doing? (yelling
(Nick sits back down in his chair)
Nick: Umm...nothing.
(fade out)
Scene 3: The Groovepad
(fade in)(shots of the GroovePad. Inside, many retro colors are swirling around. Ivan walks in the door)
Ivan: Ah...this is my kind of place.
(security guard approaches Ivan)
Guard: I have to ask you to leave,Ivan.
Ivan: I am Ivan no more! Now I am Pimp G!
(Ivan now known as Pimp G)
Pimp G: (puts on sunglasses) See?
Guard: Ivan, you are not a pimp, and you never were a pimp.
Pimp G: But...the sunglasses!
(Guard knocks Pimp G out, breaking his sunglasses)(cut away)
(IP Freely, sitting at a table, talking to the camera)
IP: Yeah, disco sucks. I agree. But why am I here? Disco chicks put out, no questions asked.
(group of chicks surround IP)
IP: Hmm...Who to fuck? Who to fuck? Maybe you all should settle this the democratic way.
(Chicks start playing rock,paper, scissors. Eventually, a girl, named Steph wins)
Steph: Yes, I win!
IP: So be it. Prepare to be ripped apart.
(Steph and IP start walking out)
IP: See you later...
(Joeman walks in at same time they are leaving. Looks over at them)
JoemanL Wow...(staring)
(Valerio, an Asian guy, approaches Joeman)
Valerio: So, you're Joeman?
Joeman: None other.
Valerio: You're the first who will be taken out by the great Valerio!
Joeman: Valeri-who?
Valerio: Shut up and get to the dance floor!
(Joeman and Valerio compete. Nick is watching the whole time. Joeman beats Valerio. Valerio on floor crying)
Valerio: I was the best disco dancer...
Joeman: Well, now the great Joeman is!
(Nick gets up and leaves)(Fade out)
(fade in)(Joeman walking down the street with a broken-down Valerio)
Joeman: It's okay, Valerio. It happens to the best of us. I've been practicing for the past few days,too. You can't expect to win right off.
Valerio: A few days? I've been practicing since I was two! My parents shipped me to the states to become better! I went to discocollege!
Joeman: But I've got heart!Just a second... do you hear something?
(Joeman and Valerio start looking around. By the sidewalk there is a hill and they look down it) (Below, Ivan and Amy are below, at Ivans car talking)
Amy: Ivan, this has been the greatest day iof my life. You're really special to me. That's why I got you a present.
(Amy hands Ivan a box. Ivan opens it up, revealing a box full of Reeces peanut butter cups)
Ivan: Reeces! You knew! Thanks, you're the most special thing in my life!
Amy: Why are you looking at the Reeces when you say that?
(Ivan unwraps some Reeces to gorge himself)
Amy: Ivan, I feel that in the time we've been seeing each other, that we've become vry close.
Ivan: Mhm...(still eating)
Amy: I really couldn't imagine life without you. I think we should take this relationship to the next level.
(Amy puts her hand on Ivans lap, and looks Ivan in the eyes)
Ivan looking up) What?
Amy: Ivan, let's have sex.
Ivan: Not right now.
Amy: C'mon, we could both use it.(rubbing Ivans lap)
Ivan: Not now bitch, I'm eating!
(back to the hill where Joeman and Valerio are)
Valerio: That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen...
Joeman: Uh huh...
(fade out) End of Scene 3 (BTW, this last part did really happen with a friend of mine...)
Scene 4: Some Things Just Come Together (fade in)(Joeman and Valerio still walking on sidewalk. Loud noises are heard ahead, so they go and check it out)
(Robert, an Asian such as Valerio, is holding wrestling matches at his house. Joeman ad Valerio approach him)
Robert: Hi, you two. Came to watch the matces? That'll be $30 a piece.
Joeman: Actually, we were just seeing what was going on.
Robert: Wait, haven't I seen you before?
(pointing at Valerio)
Valerio: I remember you,too! You said you were starting a wrestling school, and we had to pay a $400 cover charge. Then you vanished!
Robert: Hmm...Time for my devestating move, the Tiger Driver!
(Robert continues to beat up on Valerio. Joeman walks off, uninterested) (fade out)
(Fade in)(The Groovepad. It is the end of the semi-finals, and Nick wins) Nick: Kickass! (walks up to the microphone) Nick: Wow. To think that after a whole week of acting like I know how to disco dance,it's finally paid off. Who am I facing in the finals, anyway?
Robert: (stands up with blood in his hands) Joeman!
Nick: Oh...I gotta go and practice some more....
(Nick runs to the back and into the basement of the Groovepad)
Nick: I must practice more! (begins dancing and the floor crumbles under his monstrous 145 pounds of pure muscle, causing Nick to fall into a pit below. Nick gets knocked out) (fade out)
2 days later...
(fade in)(Joeman exercising at home)
Joeman: I will be king of the disco, even if it means having to do something!
TV: Disco dancing semi-finalist Nick Something-or-other has been missing for the past few days. The general conceptionis that Nick has stumbled into a parallel dimension in which monkeys are considered equal to man.
Joeman: Nick's gone?
(knock at the door. Joeman answers it. Ben is standing there)
Ben: Hey Joeman, howzit going?
Joeman: Didn't you get killed about two weeks ago?
Ben: Yeah, but I'm okay now.
Joeman: Oh, okay.
Ben: Did you hear about Nick? That's pretty strange. I didn't even know he disco danced. I haven't seen him around since we had ice-cream a while ago.
Joeman: The big question is, who will I face off at the big disco contest?
Ben: Why, me of course!
Joeman: But you weren't even in the competition! How could you be a finalist?!
Ben: Well, some things are best not explained. This not being one of them, I've been sleping with the owners daughter of the Groovepad, and she gave me the spot. I didn't een know what Bisco was.
Joeman: Well Ben, at least I won't have to do much practicing.
Ben: Damn right. Wanna go and get a beer with me?
(fade out) End of Scene 4
Scene 5: The Groovepad Competition
(fade in)(Inside the Groovepad. They are getting ready for the competition)
Announcer:Welcome to the Groovepad, where we are having the finals of our disco competition! Our two finalists consist of Joeman, and substituting for Nick, Ben!
(two guys rush into room carrying a broken-down Nick)
Ben: What the...?
Guy #1: We found him struggling for his life in a pit in the basement.
Announcer: Well, this is a strange predicament... I guess we're going to have a three-way competition.
Joeman: What the fuck is this? Melrose Place?
(Ben stands up)
Ben: Nick, I am your father. It's true.
(room goes quiet. Everyone staring at Ben)
Ben: Sorry...it sounded good at the time.
Announcer: Well, Nick, you've been stuck in a pit with no food, water, bathrooms, or girls for the last few days. Would you like to compete in the finals, or would you like a sandwich?
Nick: I must compete!
Announcer: Then let us begin! The first contstant will be...Ben!
(the dance begins. Ben starts doing some really bad dance moves, like the monkey.He ten stands in place and bobs his head for a while. To top it off, he jumps around like abunny until the announcer cuts in)
Announcer: Okay, that's enough of that. Our next contestant will be that sickly looking guy Nick!
Nick: Yeah, I rock!
(Nick starts dancing, and begins to get slower and slower. He then falls over, and is hlped back to his seat and given a sandwich.)
Joeman: This'll be a tough act to follow...
Announcer: Okay Joeman, you're up!
(Joeman walks up to the stage and pulls off one short move. The announcer immediately cuts in)
Announcer; That was the best move I've sen tonight! Joeman is the winner!
(Roses and feces are thrown as Joeman basks in his glory. Nick gets up and leaves the Groovepad. Joeman chases him out) (Fade out)
(fade in) ( Joeman catches up to Nick)
Joeman: Nick, wait up!
(Nick stops)
Joeman: You did a good job, Nick. I really have to thank you.
Nick: For what?
Joeman: You were right. My life was stuck in a rut. You helped me find my niche.
Nick: Yeah, but you did it yourself. You defeated me.
Joeman:Maybe so, Nick, but I think you've enriched my life. It'll never be the
Joeman: Wait, where are you going?
Nick: I don't know. But I'm not coming back. I need to leave this town and start anew, where I won't be just a loser. Where I can get away from this cloud that seems to follow me. Most of all, however, I need change, You, more than anyone else should understand that.
Joeman: Good luck to you, then, and goodbye.
(Joeman watches as Nick walks into the sunset and out of the site. A long haired, tall gy with a *sptf*, devil-lock walks up to Joeman)
IP Freely: He went that way, didn't he?
Joeman: Yep.
(fade out) End of Scene 5
Scene 6: Conclusion
(fade in) (Joeman in bed with the chick from Scene 2)
Joeman: And that's how I became as successful as I am today. I used to be a loser who worked at Quiktrip, but now I'm the General Manager at our local McDonalds!
Chick:Hmm, nice story. What happened to Nic though?
Joeman: I'm not sure. I think he probably did alright, though.
Chick: And what about Ben?
Joeman: Actually, after the competition, hewas killed in an alleyway of the Groovepad by an unnamed assailant that was reported to have long hair, really tall, and had a *sptf*, devil-lock!
Chick: So everything worked out for us all, eh?
Joeman: Yes it did, baby. Yes it did.
(Fade out)
The End The Ghost of Virginity 2/19/02
an epic poem
a Nick Enloe original
It was a cold September night a story came to be, The Other Cres Song (written in 8th grade)
a Nick Enloe "almost" original
Flattity chick, is sucking a dick, Mr. Sanitizers Theme Song (3-28-02)
(booming, monotone voice): You are a busy and attractive female between the ages of 18 and 22, coming home from a long day of work to a messy home. you walk into your kitchen and see a sparkling room, and a big bald guy with a mop. His name--is Mr. Sanitizer! The Greatness That is Me
a performance art piece
by Nick Enloe
Nick Enloe (dramatic) Special Night (4/09/02)
a Nick Enloe Original
Happy World! (4-19-02)
a Nick Enloe Original
It's a whirlpool for your mouth
a boys mom said,"Don't stay out too long" and gave her boy the keys,
his name was Josh and he was getting ready for a date,
he left the house,for this girl he could not be late,
at her house he had the joy of meeting her nice dad,
if he knew what Josh was thinking it'd all be pretty bad,
Tina, his date elegantly walked down to him,
her long blue dress hugged her hips and brought to life his limb,
in his car they talked of what a great night that would come,
if she weren't so hot he'd dump cuz she was so dumb,
all night through the movie that he'd found an utter bore,
his mind was kept alive at the mere thought that he might score,
oh, he had not chosen Tina just by chance,
the whole school knew of her and Jerry at the dance,
then Josh kissed her on the neck and heard her purr and pout,
there was no doubt in Joshes mind that this chick would put out,
he whispered into Tina's ear,"I think that we should leave,"
and as they left he heard "Hell yeah!" from the back from his friend Steve,
into a quiet wood they parked and then Josh made his move,
the wind began to whistle as he got into the groove,
the doors of his nice car all flew open as they kissed,
a tall white figure stood outside to make sure that Josh would miss,
"I am the Ghost of Virginity, and Josh you make me mad!
If you are to score then how will my popular friends be glad?"
Then the ghost changed his fate with a gentle snap of his wrist,
as he faded away from there Josh felt his dates mad fist,
Then she yelled,"Do you think I am a slut?"
as Josh puked onto her dress clenching his sick gut,
the long drive home was the hardest thing to do,
he let his date off at her house, her dress covered in spew,
as he went to sleep that night some thoughts came to his head,
If I can't get laid he'd be better off dead,
"But I know in all of this who I hate the most,
I know I would have scored if it weren't for that goddam Ghost!"
Fin
and into herself she shoveas a stick,
and she's not crescent fresh.Her whole life's a mess.
Angry smack, is sniffing the crack,
og,shut up you bitch, or sucka my sack,
and she's not crescent fresh. Her whole life's a mess.
Tempery prick, he driveas a stick,
His little dogs dick,is whatta he licks,
and he's not crescent freshhis sick life's a mess.
Sickity Chuck, he just likes to fuck, he can't get a girl,so your kids outta luck,
his sick life's a mess.
Mr. Hardcore, he finds life a bore, so he makes himself bleed, and does it with whores,
and he's so crescent fresh. Super cres at best!
Angry Earl,he hateas the world,
he'll burn your house down, and never get girls.
And he's so crescent fresh. Super cres at best.
Lesbian chick, she lickas the slit,
if she lets me watch, I'm OK with it!
And she's so crescent fresh,
super cres at best!
Feminist chick, she ain'ta so kind,
I atea her out, so she changed her mind,
and she's so crescent fresh, super cres at best!
It's Crescent Fresh!
(music begins_
Verse 1:
Do you know of a man named Clean?
a big bald man of commercial fame
his younger brother was just a teen
when he decided to be twice as lame!
Chorus:
Saaannnittizzzerrr! That's Mister to you.
He's got a mop, a rag, and some liquid dishsoap,too!
Saaannittizzzerrr! He is not a Jew
He'll clean your house and kill those germs for a little piece of you!
Verse 2:
While his older brother gets the dough
Sanitizer doesn't care too much
he'll clean that dirt from high to low
then fuck you on that floor and...such...
Chorus
Verse 3:
Everybody knows of the great job that he does
your whole house has been cleaned by the great bald man
you gave your body to him just because
now you know your house was cleaned by a janitor named Stan!
Chorus X2
The End
A genius beyond words (kneels to one knee)
A rose in a vast field of weeds
Gift from above (points to sky)
Sexy as the Gods themselves
We cry for we are not like him
Genius from the skies
Sexy, sexy Nick
Fin
Prom night is a special night for everyone at school,
all the people know that going there is cool,
but my friends were better and went to have more fun,
driving 'round the backroads with my fathers handgun.
We didn't have the money to buy ourselves a date,
and asking someone now would be a little late,
we walked into a graveyard to find a football playing friend,
who got into a car wreck that caused his life to end.
We took him on the roads to show him what he's missed,
since the days in High School when all of us he dissed,
he looked at us odd when my friend reached in his mouth,
and out came his tooth decayed like an old man from the South.
To his mothers house we brought him and our gun.
you should've seen her scream when she saw her rotting son,
the father came out as the mom started to cry,
so my buddygot the gun and shot him in the eye.
We drove out of town with him hangin' out the trunk,
the sirens started screaming and my heart sunk,
they ran us off the road and put us all in jail,
none of our parents would come and pay the bail.
Prom night is a special night for everyone at school,
all of them were dancing but we were much more cool.
Fin
I seek seclusion
ya know, there's something about Bill Bradley
so call the jerk on his immature behavior
It's a mind-body connection
Slim'n'sassy
Nude with attitude
Just how many bears does it take to change a baby?
I'm learning to kill
Lock, stock, and 235 smoking barrels
Shear success!
Fin
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